The Adventures of Bloggard

Been Around the Block. Got Some Stories. These are Them.

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Welcome to the Hob Nob

03.13.2011 by bloggard // 2 Comments

Denton, Texas, 1960’s: At North Texas State University (now called University of North Texas), Larry Burns and his father ran a coffee-house across from the English Building. It was called The Hob Nob. This place was home to some of us. Maybe it was your home, too.

I used to hang out with fellow artistes and literati Paul Miner, John B., and Billy Bucher. Paul drew pictures and wrote stories. John wrote stories and edited the school’s literary magazine. Billy played jazz music and wrote stories. I wrote stories.

All of us drank a lot of coffee and gabbed for hours and hours at the Hob Nob. We had a crew of friends — Rex May, John Mahoney, Larry Pine, Tex Allen, John Hill, Camilla Carr, Michael Murphy, and lots more.

The cups of coffee never stopped. The conversations never stopped, spinning and turning and returning again. This it was, once upon a time.

My friend Bill Bucher has expressed an interest in writing some micro-stories about that time, and about times that came later, and if any other Hobnobbers find us, we’d invite you to join in. For this purpose, at one point we set up a separate weblog for tales from that time, and tales from our later lives.

However, software changes eventually interfered, and we lost that site. Sorry.

So at least, join us in remembering. I’m sure in your memory, the coffee is as strong as ever, and in the fullness of time we’re hoping the gab will flow, richer than ever.

 

Categories // All, college, Looking Back

Ruru the Guru — What’s Fun?

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the modern telepathic answering service that can help you move your merchandise!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Earlier today somebody asked me, ‘Ruru, what do you like to do for fun?’

“Well, you know, just being a fourtheenth-plane saint in the astral plane doesn’t stop a body from enjoying a little fun, gracious no!

“No, mind, what with ferrying your telepathic messages to anyone anywhere in the world at any hour of the day or night, I don’t spend a lot of time goofing off, as you’d imagine, but remember, time in the astral plane flows funny, so there’s always room for jello, so to speak.

“Now, to answer your question, for fun I like to whittle in my spare time. Sometimes I make little seabirds and stand them up on a little wire above a rock. Several gift stores in major cities carry these; you may have seen them. Next time you’re in one of these stores just ask the clerk if it’s a genuine Ruru the Guru seabird. I’m sure they’ll tell you, unless they’re, you know, secretive.

“Me and my buddy, Babba Jamas, like to play pool and pinball sometimes, down at the Himalaya Arcade in the gulch. You know, catch a pizza sometimes. I never know for sure whether he’s cheating, of course, but that’s just part of the wonder of living in the astral plane.

“The astral plane itself is quite entertaining. Just on the way to work or to the laundromat you can see most anything passing by. Yesterday Adolf Hitler — or maybe one of his doubles — was being drug through some cactus by a crowd of English schoolboys crying out, ‘Bloody bugger!’ And the day before that it was a bunch of Jamaicans playing a game with a rabbit, two washtubs, and some hubcaps.

“Sometimes I like crosswords, and as it happens, I’m stumped on number 26 across right now.

“Would you happen to know a twelve-letter word meaning ‘an imaginery beast invented by Lewis Carrol in the poem Jabberwocky’? It begins with ‘band’ and ends with ‘snatch.’

“Wait a minute, wait a minute! Several of you are telepathing the answer right now! …

“Why, of course! Bandersnatch!

“I wonder why I didn’t think of that … Well, as you can see, I just have lots of fun, most all the time.”

Categories // All, fun, Looking Back, ruru the guru

Ruru the Guru sez “Nobody Home”

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s most reliable telepathic answering service.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, just yesterday three different people telepathed me up with basically the same question …

“Ruru (they asked), last Sunday I left a message with you for, oh, Uncle Joe or Aunt Mabel, and Ruru … they didn’t get my message. Were you asleep, or drunk, or what?

“Now I’m not angry or anything but I’d like to take just a minute to address that issue. First of all, me and the Himalaya Hideaway exist primarily in the astral plane, so we don’t sleep at all. That’s how we’re able to offer 24-hour service with no additional staff.

“And secondly I don’t want to say anything bad about Uncle Joe, but you got to realize something about telepathy. Lots of times you leave a message and I carry it over and put it in someone’s head for you. … But sometimes they don’t get that message.

“You know why?

“(I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this yourself.)

“The answer’s simple …

“They wasn’t nobody home.”

Categories // All, fun, Looking Back, ruru the guru

Ruru the Guru sez “Messages for Today”

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s fastest telepathic answering service. It takes most no time at all to send your messages to everybody … well, just about everybody.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“And now for the news …”

“The President telepathed to ask you some questions about pressing international matters. He sez he’ll check back later.

“Your mama wants you to pick up some Handy Andy and Wonderbread at the store.

“Your dentist wanted to remind you don’t forget to floss.

“And last, your downstairs neighbor sez any more ruckus and he’s calling the cops.

“And that’s your telepathic messages for today.”

Categories // All, fun, Looking Back, ruru the guru

The Lord of the Wood

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

A woodsy mountainside in California, Summer 1975: I subscribed to Green Egg, edited by Tim Zell. (Later known as Oberon Zell.) I think ‘Green Egg’ meant the planet earth.

It was a Wiccan publication, a half-size underground zine that came out eight times a year on the usual holidays — Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lughnasadh, Mabon, Samhain, and Yule — and there I read about a big gathering mid-summer, so that would be Litha on the Summer Solstice (June 21).

I rode my motorcycle down the freeway, always an buffeting excitement, and my tail was plenty numb by the time I parked outside a modest cottege in Silicon Valley. I heard singing inside, some Celtic thing, so I burst through the door and asked was this the revival meeting?

To general good vibes, I was introduced around, to Tim Zell, and his wife and goddess by the name of Morning Glory, and she was a glory to be sure. A caravan of vehicles was planned, but way too far for my moto.

So that was how I got invited to ride in the converted schoolbus with Morning Glory, and Tim Zell, and the python, and the boa constrictor.

Morning Glory explained that the snakes were not very intelligent, though they were quite empathetic. I kept very still and tried to be an empathetic kind of guy as the python undulated under the table, sliding smooth and slow as molasses, quick black tongue flickering. It seemed to like my motorcycle boots.

Luckily they are too big for a python to eat, so he didn’t try.

Behind me, on the back window of the bus was a flat piece of plastic with concentric lines. “It’s called a fresnel lens,” explained Tim over his shoulder as he drove the bus up the freeway. Although the plastic piece was flat, it acted like a lens so he could see if any fool was standing behind the bus, so as not to squash them.

Morning Glory was a statuesque honey blonde wearing barbarian’s clothing, emitting a kind of musky sensuality that made it difficult to sit still, her body and movement earthy, her breath a heady perfume. I liked her.

Some hours later, once free of the freeway, we wound through tiny roads up and up and up, through pine and red-barked manzanita and scrub, until a cattle guard and a dusty dirt road up the side of the mountain. The schoolbus was doubtful, but perseverence, care, and the grandma gearing paid off.

Atop the mountain, we found a vast meadow surrounded by the forest, tall trees older than we, and no sign of mankind if you don’t count the 200-300 pagans gathered there.

These wild people were picnicing, singing songs with guitar, and having a wild pagan softball game. I esconced with a dozen others beneath the trees, and soon was demonstrating the Hurley Tarot deck, feeling quite at home. There’s no group like the witches for being friendly like folks, has been my experience. You may feel differently, but they seem an odd-ball and loving group of people to me.

We ate somehow, and the darkness eventually drew near. I had no bedding nor place to sleep, and chatted up a pretty brunette wearing gypsy clothing and keys to a station wagon. I don’t remember how we spent the night, but it was in the station wagon. (I saw her for some weeks after my return home, but she was the recently-divorced ex of a policeman, and had a habit of claiming that “her feelings were hurt” every four or five minutes, so it didn’t last that long.)

The next day was the big ceremony. Being solstice and the longest day of the year, the appropriate time would be high noon, with the big sun right overhead.

A Wiccan ceremony generally goes roughly like this: The high priestess would ring a bell or call out while everybody stood in a huge circle, holding hands. The words go something like this:

“Let this be our circle!” cried Morning Glory. “What is in the circle is not of the world. What is not of the world is between the worlds. Let this be our circle!”

Often the Lady (for example, of the sky) would be invoked to bless the ceremony, and in this case, the Lord of the Wood was invoked to give us all courage and hope, for of course we were standing with forest all around us. The Lord of the Wood is usually portrayed as having antlers like a deer, and he is swift, subtle, and strong.

As we stood in the circle, which right then felt very much not of the world, as we gazed into the bonfire burning in the center of the circle, and as Morning Glory called upon the Lord of the Wood, suddenly in the meadow arose what back in Texas we called a “Dust Devil”, like a mini-tornado of spinning dust. The spinning column arose from nowhere, and spinning and reaching up into the bright summer sky, it floated through our circle.

The hair stood up on the back of my neck. The column of dust reached higher in the air, up toward the sun in the sky, and then it vanished.

I was happy that the Lord of the Wood was able to join us that day. I don’t recall much of the rest of the ceremony, but I’d reassure you that they don’t kill chickens or anything like that. I also don’t know where this place was, nor could I find it again. Later that day I rode home in the station wagon with the brunette, and eventually found my motorcycle.

I put on my helmet, and returned to San Francisco, so distant from the forest of the Lord of the Wood. But, you know, from time to time, I think I felt him, perhaps in Golden Gate Park, or on Mount Tam, or around a corner in Chinatown. Perhaps he was passing through. Perhaps not. But that’s a whole nother story.

Categories // adventure, All, amazement, Looking Back, magic

Ruru the Guru sez “Translations? Sure!”

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s only international telepathic answering service, translations at no extra charge!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, several people have telathed in recently, asking can we deliver telepathic messages in Spanish.

“Well, sure we can!

“Since it’s a telepathic answering service you just think the message — any old language you like! — and we’ll deliver it anywhere in the world!

“Now here’s a little test. Just watch this …

“Here’s a message for you from a foreign country:

“(they said) Just called to say hello.”

“That message was left for you in Spanish. Now I ask you, what could be simpler than that?”

Categories // All, fun, Looking Back, ruru the guru

How to Pick Up Girls (Part 2)

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco State, 1972: I’d read a book about how to pick up girls. Actually, it was about how to get laid, and was entitled “Scoremanship”. I cannot recommend the book for its attitude, but it had this one magnificent technique for meeting women.

Step One: You go to someplace where there are lots of women, such as a beach, or in this instance in the halls of San Francisco State on a busy busy day such as registration.

Step Two: You walk up this beach or hallway, and whenever you see a woman whose looks you find pleasing, you say something. It can be anything, no matter how stupid. The important point is that you’ve spoken to her.

Step Three: No matter what her response, you keep walking past. Don’t stop and talk. This is a key point.

Step Four: When you get to the far end of the beach or the hallway, now you turn around and you come back.

Step Five: Now you’ll again encounter the woman. This time, on your way back, you again say something to her. But the difference is that this time you strike up a conversation, and in due time you ask her for a coffee date or whatever the next step is. If she won’t talk with you, head on back to the next one. But the surprising is that she will nearly always talk with you … on your return trip.

Here’s How it Works

Why would this work? Why will she almost always talk with you when you return?

It’s because when you return she thinks she knows you! You’ve moved yourself into the class of guy who she’s talking with for the second time. You see, women can be protective and cautious the first time they meet somebody, but they don’t usually have a habit of being so cautious the second time they’re chatting with somebody, and you’ve just moved yourself into that category.

Getting Beyond Shyness

The second wonderful thing about this technique is that it helps you get beyond shyness. If you’ve ever felt tongue-tied in the past, this method is great. You see, there’s so little to lose, since you’re walking away. And if you say something so dumb that the sky should fall … who cares? And if you’ve spoken to a half-dozen women, you can blow it with five and still meet somebody, and that ain’t bad!

Using this particular method in the hallway at San Francisco State, on that particular morning, I met Barbara A., the writer, but that’s another story.

Categories // All, happiness, Looking Back, pick up women, romance, self-help

And Heaven To Bite

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Van Ness and Geary, San Francisco, Halloween 1977: For sheer party extravagance, it’s hard to beat San Francisco’s gay streets, either Polk Street or Castro Street. It’s like Carnival.

The Castro is closed off, and the more raucous, but Lori and I didn’t drink much, so generally we’d meander in costume up and then down Polk, to see and be seen. She sported a fairy-godmother costume in purple with a tall, conical hat and scarf, and I used my standard demon costume — long black wig with two horns, face-paint, red military jacket with epaulets and sword, blue pants with red stripe, boots, and a long tail.

We fit right in. But this particular evening was before I met Lori.

THE DEMON RIDES

I’d been out on my motorcycle, in my demon costume, first to a dance event at Fort Mason, led by someone named Starhawk or Moondove or Planetbird, which was a kind of costumed conga-line to really loud music.

I got caught up with some lesbians who were going to a place South of Market, which turned out to be a very frustrating experience, and later I’d parked my moto on Van Ness near Geary, to grab a late burger at this all-night place built from a cable-car between two buildings.

ENTER DRACULA

I was walking back to my chained motorcycle on the sidewalk on Van Ness, and I stopped at the corner for a red light. As I stood on the sidewalk, to my immediate left, a convertible pulled up, waiting to turn, and so it was that, sitting in the seat next to where I stood, I discovered Dracula.

Dracula, in his red-lined cape, slicked-back dark hair, and yellow fangs, looked up from his seat at me.

I, in my wig and horns, sword, and military clobber, stood at the curb, looking down at Dracula. I held out my arms toward Dracula, and burst into loud song:

“Lovely to look at, delightful to hold …” I sang. And Dracula joined in, with harmony:

“… and Heaven to Bite!”

The song ended. The light changed. Dracula and I nodded to each other.

His driver turned the corner, and they disappeared up Geary Boulevard into the night.

Categories // adventure, All, amazement, fun, Looking Back

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