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Been Around the Block. Got Some Stories. These are Them.

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In the Shadow of the Space Needle

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

The Towering Noodle of Space

Seattle, Summer 1961: My friend Lefevre and I looked up at the towering building and gawked like hicks. Eighteen years old I was, just graduated from high school.

“Gawrsh,” I said.

It was a grand adventure. The best one yet.

In study hall, while studying Life magazine, I’d seen the photographs of the Seattle World’s Fair. Photographs of the towering, unique ‘Space Needle’. It was far from Henrietta, Texas. It was on the West Coast, way north of fabled California, where I was born but really didn’t remember

Jerry was three years older. He’d graduated earlier, an artist, and he was working at a ritzy department store in Wichita Falls, arranging their windows, and I found him in a back room, standing over an empty Coca-Cola bottle, holding an unlit cigarette four feet above the bottle.

“You see,” he said, pointing to the shadow on the floor, which showed him, the bottle, and the unlit cigarette in his hand, “if you get the shadow lined up right, you can drop the cigarette into the bottle.” He let go of the cigarette.

It fell four feet, and slithered into the coke bottle. As always, I was impressed. But I had bigger game on my mind.

“Do you want to go to the Seattle World’s Fair this summer?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said. “We’ll camp out, and take v8 juice and lettuce. Just the ticket.”

And so we made our plans.

We’d work through the summer — me as a laborer on a construction job, and him at the department store. We’d save our money. Then we’d pack my gray Dodge Lancer with camping gear. And we’d go.

We would drive diagonally across the country from Texas to the Northwest. We’d stay for 3-4 days. Then we’d drive down the coast and see San Francisco, and also some girl he knew in Los Angeles. I think he had a plan for that girl, but that’s the one part that didn’t happen.

At the end of summer, Jerry made a sign on the department store’s printer that said ‘Seattle or Bust.’ We taped it to the back of the Dodge Lancer, where it covered ‘The Spook’ which I’d had painted on the car, and of which Jerry did not approve, as it just wasn’t cool. We loaded the trunk with borrowed camping gear, a coleman stove and lantern, and a box with salami, instant coffee, beer, white bread, and other nutritious foods. And we went.

The second day out we arrived in Creed, Colorado, where we met up with the family of my high school sweetheart. This got us a free dinner. Having no money for hotels, we then went to find a camping spot. We’d arrived late, and had to settle for casting about for a vacant field which we found. There Jerry, rather drunk from beer, and enraged when I chided him for some disparaging remark he made about a Mexican, attempted to strangle me for a while.

It didn’t seem like the best beginning, but we were very tired, and after the attempted murder we grew sleepy, and fell into drunken slumber on the seats of the car.

In the morning, we awoke to discover that we’d parked in the middle of a field belonging to a racing stable, and the jockeys were exercising horses all around us. Eschewing coffee in favor of a quick get-away, we were back on the road, and drove for several more days, to find a campground not far from the World’s Fair. They had a shower. That was a good thing at this point.

At the Fair, we marveled at exhibits of blonde Danish furniture, astounding cars of the Future, and sandwiches billed as ‘Mongolian Beef.’ (I wondered how they got the beef here from Mongolia, and how the guys who cooked them had learned such good English.) And the next day for lunch we rode the amazing elevator to the top of the Space Needle, where a round restaurant proudly served us menus with prices to stop a young cowboy’s heart. We settled on the cheapest item, a corned-beef sandwich for a resounding $4.50, stiffed the waiter, and watched the scenery.

As you probably know, the round restaurant at the top of Seattle’s Space Needle has windows all around, and the entire restaurant slowly revolves, once per hour. Which means that the scenery you’re looking at changes during dinner. However, I must report that it doesn’t move very fast, and it doesn’t take very long to eat a sandwich. So I didn’t really see the scenery changing that much. I don’t know why they can’t just have it whirl around much faster, more like a carnival ride. Afterward, the part of the view we remembered the most was the $4.50 price for the sandwich. And it wasn’t even Mongolian Beef!

In Seattle, other attractions found us. Errol Garner was playing, at the museum if I recall correctly, and I heard how he groans the melody out loud while he plays the piano. At the museum, we saw many famous and wonderful painting which I had never heard of. We also ran into a married couple that we knew slightly from Henrietta, Texas. Jerry seemed to brush them off, and we had to go do something else. Once away from them I turned.

“Why didn’t you want to talk with them?” I asked. He grimaced.

“We didn’t really visit with them back in Henrietta,” he said, “so why should we want to stand around here?”

I had no answer for that. It seemed to me that we should have talked to them, though I don’t know what we’d have said, other than exclaiming how we were both there in the Seattle museum, though obviously that part was evident immediately when we saw them. It just seems polite to say hello to people you know when you meet them 2,000 miles away from home. I’m still not quite decided on this point of etiquette.

Finally, Space Needle and sandwiches and museums exhausted, we packed our camping gear and headed down the coast. We’d brought an oversized book which claimed to show all the camping grounds in the USA, and so we were able to drive from campground to campground. And in the book we spotted a likely campground just north of San Francisco. It was called ‘Bootjack Camp’ and to our Texas accents it appeared to be located on Mount Tamalpish.

Arriving tired, and very late at night, and not just a little woozy from some more beer along the way, we drove up an eternally winding narrow road with a huge precipice falling away on the left. We found Bootjack Camp, but no camp sites that were actually flat, and slept on an angle in our sleeping bags beneath the trees, to awake with squirrels running noisily about and birds chirping dementedly. We brewed coffee, packed, and drove back down the road, appalled at the drop-off beside the road, falling down almost forever.

The sun was bright as we drove across the Golden Gate bridge. (It’s actually red-colored, rather than gold, as I’d expected.) We speculated about the story that the engineers tried to prevent a dog or cat from walking across the suspension bridge, on the theory that the animal’s regular footfalls would cause a sympathetic vibration to set up, shaking the cables loose and causing the bridge and all the cars to plummet into the sea. I thought it likely. Jerry thought not. Having thought it over since 1961, I’m inclined to believe he may have been right.

We drove from the bridge to the Marina Green, where some very fancy homes look across the tiny park into the blue of the San Francisco Bay, with Alcatraz a tiny rock far out from the shore. We looked at the ritzy houses, assuming that the houses in San Francisco were probably generally like these houses. They sure were close together, but …

“Gee,” Jerry said, “The houses in San Francisco are really nice.”

The Mystery Building near Marina Green

We spotted a weird building nearby, and struggling to navigate through a labyrinth of narrow streets, we arrived before it. No sign. No open entrance. Just a huge, round-domed building of a sandstone color, with elaborate two-story columns and each column with an equally tall statue of a woman in Grecian dress leaning upon the column. Before a round portico a lovely pond with swans. Not a soul in sight.

What was it? Like finding a Greek Temple in downtown Dallas. What was it’s purpose? We drove around it. Something caught my eye.

“Stop the car!” I called. He did, and I popped out to run over to the building. There, at the base of the building in the bushes, I’d spotted something irregular. I ran back to the car.

“It’s chicken-wire!” I said. “The whole building’s a fake! It’s made of paper mache or something on chicken wire! It’s not a real building!”

How could such a thing be? Years later, living in San Francisco, I found out. But at the time we were stumped. It was crazy. impossible. Such a thing of beauty. Unused. Unexplained. Unreal.

According to our oversized book, there are no campgrounds in the city of San Francisco, so we had to find a hotel cheap enough, which we finally did. The Hotel Wurlitzer, just outside the Stockton tunnel which links downtown with Chinatown. After some rest, in the afternoon we walked through the tunnel to Chinatown, where we marveled at shop windows containing dried ducks and weird vegetables. Jerry spotted a woman standing at a bus stop across the way.

“There’s a whore!” he whispered. “I’m going to find out how much.” I tugged at his sleeve.

“How do you know?” I asked. He looked affronted.

“I can tell ’em,” he said. And off he went. From my vantage point I watched. He walked up to the woman, and spoke to her. She said something and he went off around the block, arriving from the opposite direction. I looked puzzled at him.

“She told me to ask a cab-driver,” he said.

He got some beer and we drank in the hotel room. I grew sleepy, and he grew adventurous and went out. In the early dawn, he returned and fell into his bed. There was a long and garbled story about his meeting up with an ex-prizefighter named Frankie and their adventures together in bars, and getting thrown off a cablecar. And then Frankie had said he knew where some prostitutes were, but they wound up in a deserted area near the wharf and Lefevre grew afraid that Frankie planned to roll him, and so Lefevre ran away, leaving Frankie standing in the empty street, calling “Jerry! Jerry!”

Unfortunately, Lefevre couldn’t remember the name of our hotel. He knew it was some name like a manufacturer of cornets — Jerry had played cornet in the school band some years before — and so he spent some hours, out of cash and walking, tracking down the Hotel Conn and Hotel Selwin, and other such names.

That day, gawking in amaze at the narrow streets and steep hills and tall houses with no space between them, we drove slowly out of town and started down the coast. We ate cracked crab on a beach. We tried Buffalo Burgers at a shack along the way. We had popcorn and V8 for lunch, which is still a favorite of mine after all these years. We came in time to Los Angeles where Jerry visited the girl, but apparently his plan for her didn’t work out. Just as well by me.

I was ready to go home.

Categories // Looking Back

Law 23 of Human Perception

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

This is a simple law of nature, but one which is very handy:

A human tends to see what the human expects to see.

That’s it. It’s just the way we put things together in our minds. If there is a gray cat in your neighborhood named JoeBob and you see a gray cat, you’re extremely likely to think it is JoeBob, even it is some other cat altogether.

If your Aunt Mabelline always scowls when she sees you, when you visit and she opens the door — even if she has a perfectly blank expression because she’s having a deja vu about a long-forgotten lover, or maybe her underwear itches — you’ll probably see a scowl on her face.

Because you expected to see something, you ‘Interpreted’ your senses, and you saw it.

Once I had to give up a really cool business name because of this law.

Many years ago, in San Francisco, I decided to start a small business, a telephone answering business. Before the days of email, and even before answering machines, a business would wire an extension from their phone to the ‘telephone answering bureau’ where operators would answer and take messages when the business folks were out of the office.

I wasn’t sure how to name the business, so I invited 25-30 friends over one evening with a keg of beer, and we all sat around the room making up names, of which many were absurd. However, some were good.

I still wasn’t sure which to use, so that first year I used five different names and placed them all the telephone book yellow pages, to see what people would call. As it turned out, they called the most boring and blatant of the names, ie: “A Budget Answering Service” rather than the more fun and esoteric names (“Sundial”, “Western Eclectic”, “Network”, and “Xanadu.”

Now that name ‘Western Eclectic’ was of course a play on words for the US company ‘Western Electric’ which was well known since forever in this country. Once upon a time, Western Electric made every single one of the black telephones used by AT&T, when it was the (only) phone company. And the name ‘Western Electric’ was impressed into the plastic in every handset of every telephone in the USA.

I didn’t want to use this clever name — Western Eclectic — for the answering service, since nobody called its listing in the yellow pages, but since I had a couple of small businesses, I thought it might be cool to have a ‘parent’ company for our vast enterprises, and I liked ‘Western Eclectic.’ Yeah, man. Cool.

Now, at last, to the point …

Humans perceive what they expect. For example, when reading, the human doesn’t spell out the word. They glance at it, grasp its shape, and then since they ‘know’ it, they don’t examine it any further. And that automatic pattern recognition is why spammers can send something saying ‘Vi_8gra’, and all the humans can read it anyway.

But I had to give up the idea of using ‘Western Eclectic’. Here’s why —

When I registered it with City Hall for my business license, they registered the ‘Western Electric‘ company and issued them a business license to take phone calls and put up posters.

The city business-tax authority and the Internal Revenue Service sent tax bills to the Western Electric company, who I suppose they thought lived in my studio apartment in San Francisco.

Not long afterward, I had a very fancy brochure done, and my copyright notice on the brochure was printed as (c) Copyright 1976 Western Electric.

Just because I had written it correctly did not enable people to correctly read it. There was nothing wrong with the people. That’s how reading and pattern recognition works. (If it was different, we’d have to spell everything out like we were in the first grade.)

I realized that there was no alternative but to give up this business name, because it could not be read by humans.

Perhaps this is the reason that humor often works poorly for business names. Because if somebody doesn’t get the joke — and that happens with every joke — then they can’t understand what the business is, and that’s a loss of business right there.

So as you create communications for people, when you move along the tracks that they might expect to see, they’ll follow you well. Go strange on them, and you will lose them.

There. Knowing this valuable Rule-O-Thumb, go forth and prosper.

Categories // Looking Back

My Rosicrucian Adventure

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Henrietta, Texas, August 1955: In a magazine, I’d seen the advertisement for the Rosicrucians. Being eleven, I was uncertain what a Rosicrucian might be, but they did promise to provide the Secrets of the Universe. That sounded pretty handy, so I sent off for free information.
 Information. Free.
 When the free information came, I was clear that it was free, though somewhat less clear just what the information might be. It looked very mystical, and had old and mysterious drawings of wise looking fellows and words in a wierdo alphabet, and astrological signs and odd chemical equipment. It seemed important.

I just wasn’t sure how. Or what it all meant. Or what to do, exactly.

However, my cousins were younger, and so I figured that however little I knew, they knew less.

From this august beginning came “The Mystical Order of the Golden Dagger”.

Being summer and no school, I had plenty of time for the Golden Dagger itself, which I carved with my pocket knife. It was actually more of an Arabian scimitar, which I had seen in my Viewmaster slide about Aladdin and the Magic Carpet. No problem. And of course, I had some paints left over from a ‘painting kit’ which had failed to help me generate anything faintly resembling Van Gough or Talouse Latrec or Guy d’Maupassant.

For theThe Golden Dagger (and a hat) actual Golden Dagger, gold paint was missing, but yellow worked OK.

Then of course we would need a fancy altar with mystical symbols, and a handy wooden orange crate with legs added worked fine for that. There may have been some other mystical things in there, but I don’t remember now.

On a weekend at my grandparent’s farm, I was able to copy the greek alphabet from the back of a large dictionary they had, and also some electrical-wiring symbols. That was fairly mystical. And then I bundled the whole shebang down into the (generally unused) potato cellar which was in the chicken yard. It being dark, and similar to a cave, a person could burn mystical candles and whatnot, there in the potato celler. Oops, I mean the mystical cave.

When I next saw my cousins, Bob and Dan, I was all set.

First, they were made to understand that we had a very important secret society, and they were sworn to secrecy. This seemed to make it very attractive to them, even though I am sure they did not know about the Rosicrucians, like I did.

Then, with great solemnity, we entered the potato celler — oops, I mean the mystical cave — where the mystical alter could be seen, dimly illuminated by candles, as is proper. After repeating the vows of secrecy again (“Cross my heart and hope to die; stick a thousand needles in my eye.”) they were shown the Golden Dagger itself, and even allowed to hold it, and then it was wrapped up in its mystical cloth and returned to its secret hiding place in the mystical altar, and then once more everyone was pledged to secrecy.

So that we could identify our fellow members of the Mystical Order of the Golden Dagger, we settled on a special greeting. Only we would know the deep and mystical meaning of this special greeting. We discussed several possibilities, and finally settled on ‘Cheerio.”

Extinguishing the candles, we left the mystical grotto and returned to the farmhouse, where our grandmother gave us cold apricot nectar. As we drank the apricot nectar, we exchanged knowing glances and nods, but we spake not of that which was forbidden.

For the remainder of the afternoon, we just acted like we were ordinary kids, what with running around and climbing in the trees. The grownups never suspected a thing.

And when it was time for them to leave, Uncle Esty and Aunt Rosemary loaded the boys up into the car, while my mother and I stayed behind a little longer. As they drove away, Bob and Dan thrust their heads out the window.

“Cheerio!” they cried. “Cheerio! Cheerio! Cheerio!”

Categories // adventure, All, childhood, family, Looking Back

Dihydrogen Monoxide Alert

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

March 15, 2004, Aliso Viejo, CA: City officials of this small town (just north of San Clemente, CA) proposed legislation to ban foam cups from the town.

“Oops.” — city manager David Norman

A city-government paralegal had uncovered evidence that foam cups were manufactured using a substance known as ‘dihydrogen monoxide,’ when he found a well-designed web site describing the dangerous properties of this chemical.

As it turns out, the online site about Dihydrogen Monoxide was created by 14-year-old Nathan Zohner, who was researching the gullibility of ninth grade students in his school.

And they said it couldn’t happen here!

Categories // Looking Back

The Mobius Megatar

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Mobius Megatar ToneWeaver model

A Megatar is a musical instrument manufactured by the Mobius Megatar company, of which The Bloggard (aka Traktor Topaz) is the U.S. Manager.

The Megatar is similar to an electric guitar with a wider neck, on which are mounted six guitar strings, and also six bass strings. The strings lie close to the fretboard, and you don’t have to strum or pluck them.

You just touch a string to the fret, and it plays.

Since you need not strum nor pluck strings, you can play with both hands at the same time. Much like playing bass and guitar at the same time, or like playing a piano on strings.

And guess what? It’s easier to create music on the Megatar than learning guitar or bass or piano. That’s because we’ve created a revolutionary new method that reveals the secret of playing quickly.

How is this possible?

We deliver such easy learning by uncovering seven simple forms that create all harmony, that build on each other for concentrated power, that permit both hands to advance rapidly, that give clarity of mind, and that enable music immediately.

At last, playing music can be suddenly simple.

To hear musicians all around the world play the Megatar:

On the Mobius Megatar website, click on the ‘Songs‘ link and you can hear musicians around the world playing all kinds of music.

[And to investigate how to play the Megatar, go to the ‘Video’ section to see how surprisingly easy it is to do, and then go to the ‘Library | Documents’ section and download a free method book that details the steps to creating music as if you are playing bass and guitar at the same time.]

Amazing but True. I am very proud of this instrument and this new way to play.

The Mobius Megatar company is a music, happiness, and immortality business. You can create music easier than ever before, you can enjoy and produce happiness along the way, and if you apply yourself, you could create something truly wonderful, a song to make you immortal.

And … it’s fun! I guarantee it.

Categories // Looking Back

Life and Death with Rex and Mike

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Henrietta, Texas, Summer 1949: My mother, who worked as a nurse for her brother, Dr. Hurn, had made arrangements for me to stay with Mrs. Miller and her two boys.

Rex was older than me, and Mike younger.

One afternoon that last summer, before I began first grade at Lulu Johnson Elementary School, we all went to pick cotton. I suppose I should be grateful that I had this highly-touted southern experience, but what I learned was this:

Picking cotton sucks.

A cotton-field in summer is no picnic. It’s hot as hell. Plus, the cotton is prickly and tough, and you’re supposed to put it in a bag. What kind of bag? We had gunny sacks.

Are you familiar with a gunny sack? Do you know how scratchy a gunny sack can be? We young boys, shirtless, wearing cut-offs and tennis-shoes, fought those gunny sacks. Drag it on the ground, it itches your hand. Throw it over your shoulder, it scratches your hide!

And cotton is heavy.

All in all, those stories you’ve heard … about the happy pickaninnys, singing and toting those sacks of cotton … I’m pretty sure that’s all crap.

This was just another of the adventures that Mrs. Miller arranged for us boys. I suppose I should be grateful. Some of our outings are still with me.

One roasting summer day, we drove to the ice house.

You see, at that time, there was still an ice-man who came around with blocks of ice. He had a horse, which pulled a wooden wagon with walls and a back door. Inside the wooden wagon were large blocks of ice, which he delivered with deadly-looking metal tongs. This was for people who had ‘ice-boxes’ rather than electric refrigerators, and it was also for people who wanted to make home-made ice cream.

We’d asked Mrs. Miller where the ice-man got the ice.

“Let’s go see,” she said.

That afternoon we drove forever out into the mysterious countryside, and along an eternal flat road in the middle of nothing, where in the distance we saw a large unpainted wooden building. We arrived. On the building, a fading sign said, “ICE.”

Inside we were shown a cold, dim room with huge blocks of ice. A mountain of blocks of ice. Of course, looking back, now I wonder: Where did the ice come from?

Another time, we went to a fourth-of-july cookout at the Henrietta Country Club, where I won a prize.

And another day we went for a picnic and a swim with friends of the Miller’s. These people had a farm, and a young boy named Alf, who was a year older than Rex. After a swell picnic, we all went down to the tank, a kind of pond, and wearing our cut-offs, in we splashed. The water was muddy brown, but cool and refreshing. “Don’t step in any holes!” called Mrs. Miller.

We had a great time.

For a while.

Until somebody asked, “Where’s Alf?”

We were hustled out of the water while the grown-ups splashed in. Mrs. Miller brought us back up to the house, and soon after, we left, quietly. After returning to her house, I heard her on the telephone.

Finally, they had found Alf.

Categories // All, childhood, Looking Back

Law 23 of Roommates and Dishes

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

This is a simple law of nature, but one which is very handy:

Each roommate knows that he does more than half the dishes.

That’s it. Just that simple. It’s a law of human nature, as dependable as gravity, and it’s caused by the way we see things.

For example …

Roommate A is very, very conscious of the dishes that he has washed, because he was there. If he was emotionally resisting the work, he was even more agonizingly there, and it seemed even longer.

On the other hand, Roommate A is hardly conscious at all of the time that Roommate B put in doing the dishes. Because while Roommate B was scouring the pots and pans, our pal Roommate A was thinking about a brunette or watching TV or worrying about the gubbamint.

It’s just a function of the consciousness of Roommate A. (Also see Law 23 of Human Consciousness.)

His dishes. Took forever. Some other dishes, done by somebody else, while he was wasn’t there, what do those dishes matter? Those are hardly any dishes at all!

Therefore his own dishes are vaster and more slow. It’s just human nature. Each roommate knows for certain that he does more than 50% of the dishes.

How is this useful?

Firstly, in any kind of negotiation, even though you know that you’ve done more than 50% of the blah-blah-blah, you’ve got to pretend to understand when the other person swears that they do more of the blah-blah-blah. For example, if you are married, your wife. As she will tell you, she does far more work around here than you do.

Grinny Bearit. Just the way life works. Another of God’s little jests. Let us all laugh together. Like this: Ha ha ha!

There. Knowing this valuable Rule-O-Thumb, go forth and prosper.

Categories // Looking Back

Law 23 of Conspiracy Theories

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

This is a simple law of nature, but one which is very handy:

Humans in groups are generally clumsy, and damn few humans are skillful enough to actually create a Conspiracy.

That’s it. The vast majority of things that go wrong are doing so because humans can not work together, and not because some skillful group of humans is both effective and secret.

For example, let’s say that I’m concerned about global warming, and about fossel fuels, and about the gubbamint.

Does this mean that I decide to give up driving my Ford Focus grandly about the town?

Not at all.

Instead, I drive grandly about in the Ford Focus, worrying about global warming, fossel fuels, and blamingthe gubbamint. Blaming is so much easier than walking, as I drive grandly around in the Ford Focus.

And if there’s one thing a human knows how to do, it’s how to conserve energy. His own energy.

[See also Law 23 of Roommates and Dishes.]

So, just as a practical matter, getting together with a secret group of people in order to do something, doing it effectively and then still keeping it secret? Not usually likely.

It was our Foundering Father, Benjy Franklin, who said, “Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”

Humans, keeping a secret effectively? Naw!

Humans, operating effectively as a group? Haw!

Humans creating a conspiracy without shooting themselves in their collective feet? Pshaw!

So you can relax. They’re not really out to get you. You just got run over by ordinary human incompetence, greed, clumsiness, thoughtlessness, and avarice.

Feel better now?

There. Knowing this valuable Rule-O-Thumb, go forth and prosper.

Categories // Looking Back

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