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Dreadfully Embarrassed

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Westbury Hotel, San Francisco, 3 AM, October 1974: Dreadfully embarrassed. I first heard this phrase in the summer after my Junior year in High School. I’d signed up for the wheat harvest, which is cross between “On the Road”, being a truck-drivin’ man, and working on a farm.

Wheat is grown in the middle of the United States, so they call it the ‘grain belt’. The grain ripens first in Texas, then Oklahoma, then Nebraska, then the Dakotas, and all the way into Canada. Our caravan followed the ripening wheat, travelling north.

“Oh. Pardon me. I am dreadfully embarrassed, and I am sure that it will never happen again.”

The Moser family, for whom I worked, pulled a house trailer, and the hands, of which I was one, slept in a bunk trailer, a hand-built box on wheels containing bunks. Some hands were combine drivers, who drove the reaping machines around and around in the wheatfield. I was a truck driver, meaning I loaded my truck with grain and drove it to the elevator in town, where they credited the farmer.

One of the drivers, a thin and angular fellow, had an odd sense of humor and a bad case of gas. At one point, after polluting our bunk trailer, in response to jeers and threats, he said, “Oh. Pardon me. I am dreadfully embarrassed, and I am sure that it will never happen again.”

That’s all very well to say. However, I have seen dreadfully embarassed, and it looks quite different. For example …

It was the dead of night at the lejurious Westbum- Oops I mean Westbury Hotel in downtown San Francisco. The hotel was nearly full, mostly Japanese tours, and the last of the Japanese men — a hard-drinking lot, in dark suits — had drifted into the lobby, and up to their rooms on the 30 floors above us.

Henry So, the night auditor, had almost completed balancing the night’s books, and I was on the desk with nothing to do except fiddle with the reservation racks. Suddenly the fire alarm on the wall began a horrendous clanging that made calm thought difficult and speech impossible.

In the switchboard room, the display showed trouble on the sixth floor, so Roselle the telephone operator started calling room after room, asking folks to immediately evacuate to the lobby. Beyond the fire alarm’s clanging came the wailing of sirens, growing closer.

Elevators began to disgorge disheveled people in a hodgepodge of pajamas, business attire, and hairpins. The milling throng grew and grew. A pretty Japanese tour leader stood on a chair, yelling incomprehensibly, and gathering all her dark-suited countrymen around her. Fire marshalls rushed through the lobby and disappeared. Men in yellow slickers began unrolling vast hoses into the lobby.

Through the din, I’m yelling at the marshall to ask if he can kill the alarm. Suddenly it stops. Four to five hundred people, standing in the lobby, are suddenly very quiet, and we could hear one Japanese man sobbing. Everybody turns to see him and we watch him talking tearfully to the tour leader.

The fire marshall startles me, saying that an alarm was triggered on the sixth floor — home of the japanese tour — but there is no fire. His men are yelling out the door. Hoses are being rolled up. Still the Japanese man continues his tearful story. He stops. All is still.

I stand on a chair behind the desk and speak very loudly, telling everybody that we are very, very sorry for the disturbance, but I am relieved and happy to announce that there is no danger, repeat, there is no danger, and it is safe to return to your rooms now. We thank you for your cooperation, we apologise for the disturbance, everything has been verified as safe, and you can return to your rooms.

The tour leader is watching me and I motion her over, to ask if she knows what triggered the fire alarm on the sixth floor. If you have travelled in hotels, you will have seen these alarms in the hallways. It’s always a red panel with a lever to pull, clearly labeled “Fire Alarm.”

Well, yes, the tour leader said, she did know something about that. In the background, silent, the Japanese tourists are waiting for elevators, except for the one man still standing by himself, staring at the floor.

From the tour leader, I learned that Japanese hotels often have cigarette lighters in the hallways. These handy cigarette lighters are bright red, and clearly labelled. Labelled, of course, in Japanese, not in English which is of course a foreign language to many Japanese gentlemen.

The Japanese gentleman who had mistaken the fire alarm for a cigarette lighter stood quietly and didn’t move.

Now, that is dreadfully embarassed.

Categories // Looking Back

The Wacko

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Rafael, Summer 1996: Although the plan bombed later, I wanted to own my own home, and having very little money, decided to start with a houseboat or a house-trailer.

Sausalito has lots of houseboats, but frankly the mud beneath the dock stinks real bad at low tide, so yuck!

Marin County
Marin county, the most expensive real estate in California, so why was I living there? The answer: careful lack of planning. I’d developed my business in San Francisco, then moved across the bridge to Marin because Adrienne hated the Haight; too noisy, she said. When paying rent, $1400 in Sausalito was about the same as $1400 in San Francisco. But buying a house was out of the question, in these latitudes.

So why not start with a mini-house, save up more money, then parlay up to a small fixer-upper, then up to better?

Marin land values are high, so there are only four trailer parks: One in Olema (too far), one off Highway 101 (nothing available), one near the bay (that mud aroma again), and one in San Rafael, where I found the house-trailer that Waneta was selling.

Waneta the Heavy Smoker
A heavy smoker, Waneta had laid a gummy layer over the interior, and the curtains were in tatters, but she accepted my terms, and I owned a tiny home. I bought file cabinets and elevated my bed off the floor, and somehow fitted in my working desk and musical equipment.

While living here, I produced the MultiString Shopper. With a classified ad in Bass Player magazine, I offered to buy and sell used Stick brand musical instruments, because there was previously no existing market for used instruments. I made a pretty layout, and forced a free lesson onto one page, and on the reverse listed the instruments for sale. Popular with musicians, and most unpopular with Stick Enterprises, the company selling new Stick brand instruments. But that’s another story.

Meanwhile, the trailer was comfy enough in the winter, but on summer afternoons it was like sitting inside a waffle iron, so I started engineering. First I built a wooden framework with two arms between which I stretched a tarpaulin. This arrangement provided a kind of parasol for the trailer during the hot afternoons.

I Decided to Try Water Cooling
Next, I decided to try water cooling, so I bought a hose and a water-sprinkler and rigged it up on the roof. When I turned it on, it created a nice cool mist, and a big circle of coolth. It did sprinkle on the road, so all the cars passing got wet, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few dishes, you know?

And so it was that, as I was up on the ladder, attempting to adjust the sprinkler system to act more refined, that I looked over the top of the trailer and could see Tom, the rugged contractor-type guy who ran the trailer park. He was standing in the middle of the road, legs wide, arms crossed over his chest, wearing a plaid short-sleeved shirt and his usual crew cut.

He was shaking his head in wonderment.

Our eyes met, across the top of the trailer. An irate expression crossed his face. He said, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

It was then that I realized that I was a wacko.

Categories // Looking Back

Tutti-Fruity

03.13.2011 by bloggard // 4 Comments

When my mother told me this story it touched my heart, because in a way, it was part of who she was for the rest of her life …

Henrietta, Texas, Summer 1922: My mother, Margaret Hurn, known as Maggie, was six years old, and very excited that Saturday. For the first time, riding down the dirt road in the wagon with her mother and father, Maggie was going to town.

She had a nickel in her hand. She held it tight.

Eight miles seems so little now, for any car can cruise the paved road in just a few minutes. But on that day, on the dirt road in the wagon behind the horse, it took several hours, with the sun high above and dust rising to float in the air behind them, and she was holding that nickel all the way.

She had a plan.

Tutti-Fruity ice cream. That was the plan. A nickel would buy a big double-dip ice-cream cone at the Henrietta drugstore. The soda fountain there had a marble top, and fancy stools that spun around with shiny red seats. Behind the counter, lined up before the huge mirror, was a shelf of colored bottles. Every kind of delight, in town, right there at the soda fountain.

Maggie wanted Tutti-Fruity.

She was shy about going in, but her father said, “Go on,” and gave her a nudge, so she edged slowly through the door. Instantly dismayed because everything was so fancy, she waited, holding her nickel, and before long, the big man behind the counter noticed her and leaned over.

“What would you like, little girl?” he said. Perhaps a bit deaf, he spoke loudly, and it startled Maggie. She cast her eyes down.

“Tutti-Fruity,” she said softly.

“What’s that?” he said. “What would you like?” Maggie felt suddenly dismayed, embarrassed, as if scolded.

“Tutti-Fruity,” she said softly.

“I can’t hear you!” the man said loudly, “What do you want?” A well of tears blurred her vision.

“Tutti-Fruity,” she whispered.

“What?!!” he demanded. “Speak up!”

But now it was too late. Confused, ashamed, she ran crying from the store.

All the way home, on the long journey up the dirt road as the late shadows grew longer across the road, sitting in the wagon, she held the nickel in her hand.

Categories // All, childhood, family, Looking Back, the farm, time

Enter The Computer

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

495 Third Avenue, San Francisco, June 1976: My friend Dennis B. and I had been writers together at the San Francisco Writer’s Workshop, which met every Tuesday night at the San Francisco Main Library. Before emigrating from Texas to San Francisco State, I’d found an announcement in Writer’s Digest magazine, and showed up at the Library as soon as I arrived in town.

After some weeks, we both stopped attending the Writer’s Workshop, but stayed friends. Dennis’s family were back around Chicago and had done very well in the metal fabrication business. Therefore, Dennis had joined the peace corps, became a photographer and writer, and drove a cab.

One day he confided in me that he’d invented the Cabdriver Philosophy of Life. Stated briefly, it was: “People come into your life. People go out of your life. You go round and round and see some things, and then the ride is over.” Not bad, all things considered, it seemed to me.

But I mention Dennis because of his odd habit.

Dennis was forever doing good, in this way. He read voraciously, and whenever he found something perhaps of interest to a friend, he’d clip it and mail it. Dennis had a lot of friends, so he must have been pretty busy. I myself got dozens of clippings over the years.

But this one said, “Whirr …”

It was a three-paragraph story in a box, and started out asking: “What’s about the size of a breadbox, can do thousands of calculations per second, and costs a few hundred dollars?”

The answer was the new crew of “micro-computers”. It seems that a company in New Mexico had taken an advanced calculator chip and realized that it had all the parts of a functioning computer. By adding memory and circuitry for display and typing, the Altair was born, followed by the Imsai, the SWP, and others.

The article said that you could see these computers in Berkeley on University Drive, at a store cleverly named The Computer Store. In those days I was postering Berkeley for my fledgeling business, the Thumbtack Bugle, so I parked my motorcycle outside, and went in.

Yup, there were some boxes about the size of bread boxes, with switches and blinken-lights. Completely incomprehensible; completely fascinating. A rotund fellow in a beard and overalls pointed things out to me, and then I bought copies of Byte magazine, and Kilobaud magazine. Byte. Hmmm. Kilobaud. Hmmm.

Hastening to a coffee-house across from the Co-op I devoured the magazines from cover to cover. The articles made little sense, but the ads weren’t too bad. For example, the Apple computer was then a single board, selling for $666. All you had to do was add a case, power supply, keyboard, and display monitor. Hmmm.

Somehow I learned that up at Lawrence Livermore Lab, in the Berkeley Hills, was a science museum where kids could play on the computer, so I motorcycled up there with a book on BASIC, and started learning how to print “Hello, World!” on the screen. Oddly, it wasn’t very difficult, which perhaps explains the large number of 11-year-old boys typing alongside me.

Somehow I learned that down in Silicon Valley, there was an organization that worked similarly, except that you could call in from your house to work on the computer. I motored down, and met Doug F. He was a thin, long-haired, brilliant, nerdy fellow who ran the computer, always and forever dressed in jeans and a t-shirt picturing a heavy-metal band.

Following Doug’s guidelines, I bought a teletype and a modem, which then meant a big box with two foam cups into which you stuck the telephone receiver. With this teletype in the closet, I started programming. I got a sorting program typed in, and set it to sorting 300 names. On this speedy time-sharing computer, it took fourteen hours.

But by then, I’d decided that I must have my own computer. The magazines were starting to make sense, and I settled on a Cromemco, which was very powerful. It was also expensive, so I got it in a kit, and Doug said he’d assemble it for me, which was good because I didn’t know how to solder. I raised part of the money from Henry, a local philanthropist I’d met once when interviewing for a bookkeeping job.

The assembly seemed to take forever, and if I nudged Doug, he’d exclaim, “Don’t go sweating on me!” Doug was eccentric, showing up at odd times. One day he said there would be a great sneak preview, so we walked up the next block to see what turned out to be the world premier of Star Wars. His job at that time was programming government computers so that satellites could determine whether a farmer’s fields in Russia were growing wheat or alfalfa.

Finally, the computer was ready. It was a large black box, sitting on a table in my tiny apartment. Doug plugged in the teletype, and tapped a few times on the carriage return. It began typing.

“Hello,” it said.

Categories // Looking Back

The Movie Shows

03.13.2011 by bloggard // 1 Comment

Henrietta, Texas, 1955: In our town were two movie theatres. The Dorothy, one block south of Ikard street (also known as highway 287), was near the Methodist Church and Grover Thaxton’s hardware store. One day, I heard a wonderful report from Billy Ray, who’d just seen a Saturday matinee called “Them“. Oddly enough, this movie was about ants, but they were very, very big.

This sounded great to me, so I wheedled and wheedled the price of admission from my mother, and went the next Saturday. It was then that I learned that the movie changes every week, as I sat through an incomprehensible film about grown-ups who just talked to each other. Nothing happened at all!

Avast Me Maties!

I knew that movies were supposed to have fights and mahem, because I’d seen a movie before, while visiting kinfolk in Houston. That movie was Treasure Island, a stirring adventure about a young boy very much like me, I then imagined. I remember it clearly, and in fact, sometimes I can still hear Long John Silver’s parrot, crying “Pieces of Eight! Pieces of Eight!”

After Long John Silver and the big ants report, this “talking” movie seemed pretty lame.

On the same street as the Dorothy theatre, and several blocks north, across from the courthouse sat the Royal Theatre. The Royal had exciting pictures out front, generally showing cowboys, but in addition to Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, Hoppalong Cassidy, and Lash Larue, they also featured Abbot and Costello and Ma and Pa Kettle. I saw Peter Pan there, and This Island Earth, and a horrifying 3-D movie called House of Wax.

In the early days, the Royal’s Saturday serial featured Commander Cody, who wore a helmet and rocket pack, and after making a kind of jump could be seen flying through the sky. Flash Gordon and crew fell into eternal pickles with that rascal Ming the Merciless, and week after week Tarzan narrowly escaped being trampled, roasted, drowned, and eaten.

About the time I became a teen, the Dorothy burned down, leaving a hollow stone shell and the Royal, but a few months later, our town was abuzz with the news that a new drive-in movie was being built west of town.

The Clay County Leader newspaper trumpeted a big contest to name the new drive-in. My grandfather, usually taciturn, found this so exciting he decided to enter, because he’d figured out a sure-fire winner.

Since our town was named “Henrietta”, he reasoned that “The Henry” would be the perfect name for the drive-in. Sitting at his wooden desk, he wrote out a letter to enter the contest.

For weeks we watched the contest. I was there the day the paper arrived, announcing the winner. Grandfather fetched the mail and brought it into the kitchen and sat down at the table. He opened the newspaper. He stiffened.

“The Rietta?” he said. “What kind of stupid name is that?”

Categories // Looking Back

The Problem

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Polk Street, San Francisco, 1987: I met Gaye at the Unitarian Church, perhaps when Cliff married Maggie’s daughter, or perhaps when Maggie died. Maggie Northcott was a delightful and wise woman whose company I always enjoyed, about the age that my own mother would have been.

I had a pretty set of dishes inherited from my mother. Maggie admired them, especially the huge serving platter. The dishes were painted with flowers around the scalloped edges, and painted with fruit and vegetables in the middle. I didn’t really enjoy things that decorated, but they were my mother’s so I kept them, and felt a little sadness at every meal. I realized that they’d be broken over time, hurting my heart with each little chip, each little crack, each little loss.

So, in a brilliant inspiration, I gave the whole set to Maggie, who I knew would admire them and give them a good home. They suited her, and I was happy knowing they’d be loved and safe. My mother’s name had been Maggie, too.

Over time, Maggie invited me to several events at the Unitarian Church. And then one day the daughter invited me to say goodbye to Maggie. Back then, I’d have been riding my red Yamaha motorcycle, in a brown leather motorcycle jacket, and brown boots. At the Unitarian Church, Gaye smiled in a nice way, so I got to know her.

Gaye lived in Berkeley, divorced with two gangling boys, one at college, and one still in high school. According to her, the ex-husband, an attorney, was no damn good. Who’d have ever guessed?

While married, she and a friend ran a food stand at the Telegraph end of University of Berkeley, with great success. Encouraged, she decided to open a restaurant. It turned out to be beyond her reach, or maybe downtown Oakland just hadn’t come back enough, for in the end the restaurant didn’t survive.

I tried to help, spending two days walking the sidewalks in a suit, handing out some coupons I’d made up, to induce more people to visit. It didn’t do much good, and not long afterward, she bid me adieu. I hope it wasn’t my coupons!

When we were going out, her being in the restaurant biz, she liked to go to different restaurants, and that night we dined on Polk street. The menu was unexceptional, the food good, and the waiter was an older fellow, active and wizened, with a personality showing through.

Gaye struck up a conversation, and let it be known that she ran a restaurant. He grinned.

“I did, too” he said, “Once upon a time. But I went back to being a waiter.” Gaye was intrigued.

“So what happened?” she asked. “Why did you go back?” The waiter gazed over our heads, into the past.

“It was just one problem after another,” he said, “Problems, problems, problems.”

She nodded, somberly. He continued.

“One day,” he said, “I got fed up with all the problems. I sold and went back to being a waiter. Now, no problems.” An expression came over his face at once surprised, delighted, and mischevious. He leaned closer, happily confiding.

“Because now,” he said, “Now I am the problem.”

Categories // Looking Back

Many Little Successes

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

The concept of breaking a task into small parts, to accumulate small successes as building blocks, and to accrue these to build emotional momentum toward your target is presented clearly in Jim Sloman’s “May You Be Happy” website, in a short series called “Strategic Applications”.

He also addresses the concept of avoiding direct fighting, and adding the external energy from the universe to your own as an effective path to negotiation, enlightment, and success.

The marvellous thing is that he presents these spiritual truths in the context of their use by generals in historical wars on this planet. Along the way, Sloman provides a fascinating insight into times and places when the history of continents hinged on a small battle involving, sometimes, only a few thousand men.

An outstanding read.

Categories // Looking Back

Cajun John

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Henrietta, Texas, 1959: John P. was a thin, wiry guy a year older than me, with a nervous air and a perpetual smile. His family was from Louisiana, with a mild Cajun accent. John signed up for Latin class, and was forever lost. I helped him some, and we became friends, though he was alien and odd.

The story goes that one day John climbed up onto the Coca Cola truck, with the intent to steal a case of cokes, while the Coke man was inside the A&P grocery store. But the Coke man came wheeling his handtruck out the rear door, and caught John atop of the truck. The Coke man scowled.

“What are you doing on that truck?” he demanded.

John didn’t even blink. “What truck?” he said.

Once John invited me to [Read more…]

Categories // adventure, All, childhood, friends, Looking Back

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