Knowing how interested many folks are in Telemarketer Calls, here is a short list of general-purpose responses, for those times when you’re just too busy to make up a fresh line of BS for your telemarketer friends —

1. I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice?

2. Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we’ve dated for a while?

3. Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now?

4. I am French. Your money means nothing to me.

5. I can smell your panties through the phone.

This list of five is just one of many at Merlin’s List of 5ves.

Abuja, Nigeria, November 7-9: “Don’t miss this opportunity to learn how to write better emails, and make better moneys,” says Mr. Laurent Mpeti Kabila, a senior assistant leader of the Revolutionary United Front of Sierra Leone.

“I present to you an urgent and confidential request for your attendance at The 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference. This is an opportunity to meet your distinguished colleagues, learn new marketing techniques, and spend your hard-earned money. Attending this conference demands the highest trust, security and confidentiality between us.

The Keynote Address: Dr. Hamza Kalu adds historical perspective in his speech: “From Postal Scams To Email Scams: We Have Come a Long Way Infant Child.”

The Kick-Off Breakfast: (Your choice) A hard-boiled egg, or two slices of white bread and a cricket.

Click here for full conference details.

Greenwich Royal Observatory, November 17, 1882: The Royal Astronomer witnessed an Unidentified Flying Object today and described it as a “strange celestial visitor — a circular object glowing green”. Shades of Sir Ernest Glitch!

London, November 17, 1988: The original manuscript of the classic novel, The Trial (1925), by Franz Kafka, sold today at Sotheby’s for 1 million, a world record for a modern literary text. Kafka had died from tuberculosis in 1924, having published almost nothing in his lifetime. He wrote most of these stories and novels while holding down a day job at the post office.

Although many literary critics have found deep allegorical meaning in these works, the rumor is that Franz and his brother used to read them aloud, and fall about on the floor, laughing. We are quite possibly indebted to Franz Kafka for the handy abbreviation “ROFLMAO”, which means “Rolling On Floor, Laughing My A** Off.” Thank you, Franz.

November 19, 1620, Cape Cod: The Mayflower dropped anchor today, bringing our first settlers to this continent. Let’s all welcome them:

Yoohooo! Settlers! Ahoy, maties! Yoohoo!

Honolulu Harbor, 1980: The fishing boats were tied to the dock, ready to set out, but the men aboard sat on boxes and watched the very young woman as she climbed the stairs of the elevated scaffolding on the dock. Her skirt fluttered as the clerk of the Teamsters Local handed her the microphone.

“Hello,” she said.

Three hundred fishermen looked up at her. They were Hawaiian, Japanese, Samoan, Philipino, and Chinese, and they spoke many different languages, though generally not English. She was here promoting a blood drive for the blood bank.

This was Adrienne, when she was very young, but already with a girl-child and a toddler at home.

Up on the scaffolding above the boats, she spoke into the microphone, her voice booming around the dock buildings, and the men shifted and fidgeted. They had no idea what she said. They were anxious to put to sea. She spoke of how their contribution would save lives, and how important it was.

The trade wind picked up. Her pretty skirt began to whip around her legs. She tried to hold the fluttering skirt down as she spoke, and she had to speak bent over into the microphone.

The fishermen watched, impassive.

The talk was over. There was a scattering of applause, and then the crews made ready the boats, and with horns and churning waters the boats put out to sea. She watched them go.

The Teamsters clerk thanked her. She left.

The next week, at the blood drive, the hall was packed. The blood bank had to bring in some special beds, because the Samoans were very, very large. Adrienne discovered that all 300 fishermen had signed up.

Just another day in paradise.