Weed, California, September 2011: I was just sitting here thinking that I really miss those days, a few years back, when live telemarketers used to call me all the time.
Because I used to have a lot of fun with them. Perhaps it is evil of me, but my theory is that if they wish to call me up with their agenda, then it should be OK for me to answer the call with *my* agenda.
Their agenda was to sell me something. And almost 100% of the time it wasn’t something I needed.
My agenda was to take a break and have some fun. Here’s what I learned …
How to Create Telemarketer Hell
Here’s what you do:
Just don’t ever quite understand what the telemarketer is telling you.
For example:
Telemarketer: “Would you like to save some money on long distance?”
You: “What’s that? Save money on Log what? What kind of logs?”
Telemarketer: “No, long distance, like telephones, long distance.”
You: “Oh, telephones. Actually I already have a telephone. That’s how I answered your call.”
Telemarketer: “Who is your long-distance carrier?”
You: “Well, I like carrots OK, but what does that have to do with telephones?”
Telemarketer: “I’m talking about saving some money with long-distance charges.”
You: “Well, why didn’t you say so. Sure, that sounds great.”
Telemarketer: “Great, I think we can save you 20%, 30% or more. I’m just going to turn on the recorder, and please only answer the questions I ask. Don’t say anything else, OK?”
You: “Sure.”
Telemarketer: “OK, here we go. What is your name?”
You: “Have we started yet?”
Telemarketer: “Yes, please don’t say anything except the answers to the questions, OK?”
You: “OK.”
Telemarketer: “What is your name?”
You: “Are you recording now?”
Telemarketer: (under the breath, with Indian accent, “Oh my god”)
You: “OK, I’m ready now. I turned off the radio.”
Telemarketer: “All right, here we go. What is your telephone number?”
You: “My phone number is 538-22.”
Telemarketer: “That’s not enough digits.”
You: “Well, I live in a very small town.”
Telemarketer: “What do you mean? Aren’t you in San Anselmo?”
You: “No, this is Heembus, Kentucky.”
Telemarketer: “What’s your address there?”
You: “Heembus is very small. You just go to the middle and then ask somebody where I live.”
Telemarketer: “I can’t enter that here. What’s your street address?”
You: “Sweet address? They never gave me one. I don’t think anybody here in Heembus has one. Mrs. Johnson doesn’t. Willy Cratchet doesn’t. I don’t think the postmaster has one, Bob. I don’t know his last name.”
Telemarketer: “Well, you have to have a street address.”
You: “Well I don’t. The Grand Canyon doesn’t have a street address. Where I live it’s just Heembus, Kentucky. I get packages all the time. I got a package from Amazon today. Sometimes people call to ask me where I am.”
Telemarketer: “What number do they call?”
You: “I gave you the number.”
Telemarketer: “That’s not enough digits.”
You: “You called me, didn’t you? Are you saying we’re not talking on the phone? That’s very confusing. How much money are we going to save on these carrots?”
You: “Hello?”
You: “Hello? Dammit, I want my carrots!”
With a little imagination, and simply by always falling short of comprehension, you can have a lot of fun. But you know, those telemarketers don’t seem to call me much any more.
I kind of miss them.
This is nice. My personal preference is the second I answer I begin talking from the middle of a sentence and then take the conversation on various twists and turns of fictitious goings on. i.e. “Jimmy left the chain saw in the yard and I can’t tell if he is going to return this afternoon. Janet was trying to reach him on the cell phone, but he dropped it in the toilet and we’re not sure it works” The human on the other end of the line gets the idea they are dropping in on a party line and they eventually hang up without saying a word. It is really nice because if they interrupt you, guess what you can say? That’s right, ” Who the hell said you could listen in on our conversation?” Try it.
Wow!
Rolling on the floor laughing!
Thank you!