San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s favorite telepathic answering service. I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway …”

And today, May 5th of 2005, we have just obtained an excited interview with Ruru the Guru, whom we telepathed earlier today. Here’s what he had to say …

“Hello, sports fans, and a big Hmmm-baby! from the Astral Plane. I am so psyched!

“Probably you’re wondering what can get me so excital, what with being a 5th-level spirit and all, and having observed just about all of human evolution on most of the planets in this quadrant. But, I’m telling you, this is something!

“Many of you probably remember the many times, when you were feeling kind of, you know, discouraged, because your wife ran off or you didn’t get the big raise or your dog bit you? And you know how, lots of those times, you heard a little voice speaking quietly there in the back of your mind?

“And you remember how that little voice said something like how if at first you don’t succeed, then to try, try again?

“(Though, to be painfully honest, as we try to be here in the Himalaya Hideaway, of course there were other times when that little voice to heck with it and why not go get a beer.)

“Well, anyway, what I want to tell you is that, lots of those times when you heard that little voice telling you if at first you don’t succeed? Well, that was me, with a telepathic message which was sent from somebody that cares about you, most likely.

“And now, here we are in the year 2005, and it looks like what goes around also comes around!

“It looks like karma done come home to roost!

“What I’m telling you is that, all those years ago, back in San Francisco, when we paid good money month after month to run that yellow-page ad that said to call Third-Ear Telepathic Answering Service … well, today, for the first time ever … we got a telephone call. I swear to Krisna!

“And it was some attorney, off in Kentucky, calling us to inquire about buying telephone service from us!

“I mean, here it is, hardly even nineteen years after we ran that ad, and it’s still getting results! And, finally, a paying customer!

“So there you have it. Proof positive!

“Don’t ever let anybody tell you that yellow-page advertising doesn’t work!”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the modern telepathic answering service that can help you move your merchandise!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Earlier today somebody asked me, ‘Ruru, what do you like to do for fun?’

“Well, you know, just being a fourtheenth-plane saint in the astral plane doesn’t stop a body from enjoying a little fun, gracious no!

“No, mind, what with ferrying your telepathic messages to anyone anywhere in the world at any hour of the day or night, I don’t spend a lot of time goofing off, as you’d imagine, but remember, time in the astral plane flows funny, so there’s always room for jello, so to speak.

“Now, to answer your question, for fun I like to whittle in my spare time. Sometimes I make little seabirds and stand them up on a little wire above a rock. Several gift stores in major cities carry these; you may have seen them. Next time you’re in one of these stores just ask the clerk if it’s a genuine Ruru the Guru seabird. I’m sure they’ll tell you, unless they’re, you know, secretive.

“Me and my buddy, Babba Jamas, like to play pool and pinball sometimes, down at the Himalaya Arcade in the gulch. You know, catch a pizza sometimes. I never know for sure whether he’s cheating, of course, but that’s just part of the wonder of living in the astral plane.

“The astral plane itself is quite entertaining. Just on the way to work or to the laundromat you can see most anything passing by. Yesterday Adolf Hitler — or maybe one of his doubles — was being drug through some cactus by a crowd of English schoolboys crying out, ‘Bloody bugger!’ And the day before that it was a bunch of Jamaicans playing a game with a rabbit, two washtubs, and some hubcaps.

“Sometimes I like crosswords, and as it happens, I’m stumped on number 26 across right now.

“Would you happen to know a twelve-letter word meaning ‘an imaginery beast invented by Lewis Carrol in the poem Jabberwocky’? It begins with ‘band’ and ends with ‘snatch.’

“Wait a minute, wait a minute! Several of you are telepathing the answer right now! …

“Why, of course! Bandersnatch!

“I wonder why I didn’t think of that … Well, as you can see, I just have lots of fun, most all the time.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s most reliable telepathic answering service.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, just yesterday three different people telepathed me up with basically the same question …

“Ruru (they asked), last Sunday I left a message with you for, oh, Uncle Joe or Aunt Mabel, and Ruru … they didn’t get my message. Were you asleep, or drunk, or what?

“Now I’m not angry or anything but I’d like to take just a minute to address that issue. First of all, me and the Himalaya Hideaway exist primarily in the astral plane, so we don’t sleep at all. That’s how we’re able to offer 24-hour service with no additional staff.

“And secondly I don’t want to say anything bad about Uncle Joe, but you got to realize something about telepathy. Lots of times you leave a message and I carry it over and put it in someone’s head for you. … But sometimes they don’t get that message.

“You know why?

“(I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this yourself.)

“The answer’s simple …

“They wasn’t nobody home.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s fastest telepathic answering service. It takes most no time at all to send your messages to everybody … well, just about everybody.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“And now for the news …”

“The President telepathed to ask you some questions about pressing international matters. He sez he’ll check back later.

“Your mama wants you to pick up some Handy Andy and Wonderbread at the store.

“Your dentist wanted to remind you don’t forget to floss.

“And last, your downstairs neighbor sez any more ruckus and he’s calling the cops.

“And that’s your telepathic messages for today.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s only international telepathic answering service, translations at no extra charge!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, several people have telathed in recently, asking can we deliver telepathic messages in Spanish.

“Well, sure we can!

“Since it’s a telepathic answering service you just think the message — any old language you like! — and we’ll deliver it anywhere in the world!

“Now here’s a little test. Just watch this …

“Here’s a message for you from a foreign country:

“(they said) Just called to say hello.”

“That message was left for you in Spanish. Now I ask you, what could be simpler than that?”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, your personal telepathic message center, it’ll tweak your head!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know the other day I was delivering a telepathic message to a Muni bus driver on the 22 Fillmore. It was from his girlfriend, and she said …

“Bill, honey, can we still be friends?

“I tell you, that bus about flattened a corvair, a monza, and two old ladies walking dogs. Big tears begin to run down the driver’s nose into the control panel and the destination sign began to spin around. You couldn’t tell where that bus was going to go!

“The driver heaved a big sigh and said,

“Ruru, do you do personals?

“Well sure we do, Bill! So here goes:

“Handsome transportation worker, 5’10”, 225#, seeks fare, lady. Ask for Bill, 22 Fillmore.

“There, now! Ain’t love grand?”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the round-the-clock telepathic answering service!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Hold it! Hold the phone! I’m getting a telepathic message at this very minute!

“Uh … Uh … it was for me.

“The question was- Ruru, are you the only one that works at Third Ear?

“Well, yes. Yes, I am.

“But you got to realize, the Himalaya Hideaway here exists primarily in the Astral Plane, where as you all know, time flows funny.

“The result is that we can serve you round the clock with telepathic answering service, using no additional staff!

“And you know what? No time, no overtime!

“No overtime, no benefits!

“So who benefits?

“You do!”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the modern telepathic answering service that can help you move your merchandise!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Several people telepathed in last week wanting to know can we sell cars …

“Well, we can’t exactly sell them, but we sure can tell your friends and neighbors about em! So here goes —

“1973 Edsel, lo mileage, one owner, sky blue, $525 or best offer.

“We also got a Corvair, rebuilt engine, velcro upholstery, wire wheels. Make an offer.

“Last, here’s a modified ’57 Fairlane, Mack diesel engine, complete with bronzed baby shoes and foxtail. $1500 firm. Man, that does sound sharp!

“You want em? Just let me know.”