The Adventures of Bloggard

Been Around the Block. Got Some Stories. These are Them.

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How to Get a Girlfriend (or a Boyfriend)

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Romance Fer Sure!

Midwestern University, Wichita Falls, Texas, 1970: As a teen and a young adult, for years and years (and years and years) I was very clumsy when it came to women, and having returned to college at age 26 I decided that this really ought to be something that I could learn.

So I thought about it, and thought about it, and had a brainstorm!, and developed a method, and it worked for me. (I realize this is starting to sound like an infomercial, but it isn’t! I promise I’ll tell you how to get a girlfriend if you could use some help.)

I told some friends about my marvy new method, and several tried it, and it worked for them, too. Seems to work for guys wanting girlfriends; seems to work for women wanting boyfriends; probably works for other combinations too.

So after refining it over several years, I wrote it all down. I once thought I might publish it, but later I decided just to sell it very cheaply on EBay, in hopes that some other guys won’t have to go through being awkward as I was.

This surprisingly-effective method is written up like a report — very easy to read — and along with two more handy ebooks as bonus material, you

True Romance!

can get this method online with direct immediate download. For lots more information about what’s in it, and how it works, and details about our TWO money-back guarantees, see our infopage at —

Get A Girlfriend … Guaranteed!

(On our infopage you can also get a free subscription to the Outrageous Dating Tips Newsletter along with a sample chapter from the Sweetheart Method.)

Want to save a little money? You can also get this special method on a cd mailed out to you through the auctions at our EBay Megatar Store

(The EBay Megatar Store is where my company sells Mobius Megatar instruments which are ready-to-play and ready-to-ship, along with accessories and music books. Everything sold there, including the Sweetheart Report, comes with a money-back guarantee. In fact, the Sweetheart Report comes with two money-back guarantees. That’s how certain I am that it will work perfectly for you.)

There is no catch. It’s exactly what I claim: A powerful but simple method that will show anyone how to get a girlfriend, spelled out in complete detail, and easy to get online, day or night.

From the time I developed this method at 26, I’ve had no difficulty meeting women. (Getting along with them, now that’s something else!) Now I’m over 60, and I’ve been with the same woman for the last 15 years, so the method actually worked big time for me.

I suppose that it’s possible that it might not work for you, but I’ve received rather enthusiastic feedback so far. You could try it. With our two money-back guarantees, you have to be happy, or you’re out nothing. So you’ve got nothing to lose but lonely.

Sweet Stuff!

If you’re experiencing anything less than fun in your woman-searching, let me do you a favor. Check it out and try it. Most likely it will do the job. If you can’t try the method now, for some sort of good reason which your mind will make up, bookmark the site and try it later.

I can’t really guarantee it will work for you, because some people can botch up bubble-gum. But it’s worked for everyone else.

Send me no flames, now. If I hear any flames — especially from anybody who hasn’t got it and tried it — I shall laugh like this: Ha Ha!

Categories // All, happiness, how to tune a human, Looking Back, pick up women, romance

Getting Back to the Unit

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Some years ago, Adrienne’s friend Bruce described his grandfather, a thin and elderly man sinking into dementia. On some days he was unable to find his way around the house, but on this particular day he’d put on his uniform (from the second world war), and he’d started walking up the street.

They found him thirty miles up the road in the next town, patiently waiting for a bus. He said he was taking the bus to rejoin his unit.

Lately the radio has been full of news of Iraq, and yesterday we walked the dog in the beautiful Shastice park, where long meadows of lawn wind around the tennis courts. Lizzie rolled on the grass and drifting clouds folded around the mountain, and glided in our direction, promising weather to come.

While we were walking and enjoying the peace, some punk stole Adrienne’s purse from our parked car.

Driving away, she realized. “Stop the car,” she said.

We returned, interviewed folks, examined nearby cars, and peeked into trash cans. No luck. The thieves were long gone.

At the police station, I told the burly guy behind the glass that we’d been robbed, that her purse had been stolen from the car. He smiled. “That’s not robbery,” he said. “That’s burglary.”

“Ok, fine,” I said. “Burglary. How do we file a report?”

He fetched a patrolman who asked questions, and we went home. Somebody has our keys. Adrienne is mightily upset. I think it’s not just the loss of glasses, cards, and somebody having our keys. It’s the loss of the feeling that everything is so safe, here.

We’d planned on dinner, and so when some calm returned, we left Lizzie to bark away intruders and went out. In the restaurant, a lady in the next booth excitedly pointed and gibbered to her husband; a mountain lion was crossing the road. The husband didn’t seem very interested.

When we returned home, everything was fine, no problem. I’m guessing the thieves were kids, looking for thrills or dope money. We’re out about $300 for glasses and keys, and they got $24, plus a sweet picture of Tulip our border collie. But that’s the problem with criminals; they got no consideration.

Today’s been strange too, arranging for the locksmith to change the locks — just in case — and cancelling credit cards, atm cards, auto club card, kaiser card, etc, etc, etc. Voicemail jail and around the block. The Sears card lady in Iowa wrote down the information while tornado alerts boomed in the office behind her. Thank you.

And Friday was strange. We discovered a large white pickup parked mid-block, at right-angles to the street, rear wheels on a lawn with the tailgate pushed into bushes. No plates, keys dangling in the ignition. The cops came and drove it away.

Strange. Strange.

Adrienne tells me she feels like putting on her uniform, and taking the bus to rejoin her unit.

Categories // Looking Back

The Secret to Good Teeth

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Mount Shasta, in the kitchen, March 2003: “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Adrienne wails. She’s trying to get my goat, as my grandfather used to say.

She’s had trouble with her teeth all her life, whereas I have been blessed in that regard.

I have perfect teeth.

I know that I have perfect teeth because of what my dentist, Dr. Martin of Henrietta, Texas, told me, as I sat in his chair in 1960. “Open,” he said. He peered around.

“You have perfect teeth,” he said.

At that moment, and even now, I can think of no area in my life that seems perfect to me. Moments? Yes, moments were perfect. Moments of love, moments of passion, a moment when viewing trees on sweeping English hillsides that might have been Africa, a moment so late at night that the birds began announcing the dawn, a moment of clarity, a moment of dreadful realization. Yes, perfect moments, but no area of life that seemed entirely perfect … except now, as I realize that I have perfect teeth.

As best I know, I have never had a cavity. Oh, once in San Francisco, I went to a new dentist, who took xrays and then announced two cavities. Then he filled them and charged me money. I’d never had a cavity before, and I’ve never in 30 years since had another cavity. I believe that I had no cavity then, either. I think he either blundered the xrays and repaired someone else’s cavities in my mouth, or he just needed some money or practice, and I was the goat.

So now, in a vain attempt to get my goat, Adrienne is wailing, “Why do good things happen to bad people?” Ha! She’s annoyed because I have perfect teeth, and she does not.

While I am sorry that she does not have perfect teeth, I am glad for this one part of my life that has been perfect for almost 60 years. (I will celebrate my 60th birthday next month, so if you will be sending presents, please contact me for current shipping information, haw!)

You shall be rewarded with the inside scoop, that is, my secret method!

And now, because you have been patient with my intermittent story-telling and lazy ways, you shall be rewarded with the inside scoop, that is, my secret method.

First, I must tell you that my mother, bless her heart, taught me how to brush my teeth and taught me that they should be brushed both in the morning and at night. Television ads at that time even touted brushing after every meal, but in my lifetime, only Dennis seems to do that.

My contribution to my mother’s method was to forget about brushing my teeth nearly all the time, and for all my adult life I still constantly forget to brush. Is my breath sometimes awful? Well, yes; so I am told. Adrienne calls me “camel breath” sometimes. I take it as a hint. I think this means I should brush and so it serves as a reminder. She is forever helping me in this way.

But, all in all, based upon the evidence I must conclude that the first key to having perfect teeth would appear to be avoiding brushing them. At least, that’s what seems to have worked for me.

Next, let us consider milk.

When I was a child, I grew up disliking only one food: milk. I begged coffee-milk by the time I was six, because it made the milk taste better. I complained about milk throughout my childhood. When I was thirteen, my mother finally told me I didn’t have to drink milk any more. No more big glass in the morning, hoo ray!

Ten years later, sitting in the restaurant at the Cabana Hotel in Dallas, I thought: Maybe I’ve been missing something, hmmm, so I ordered a glass of milk. It was evening, and dark outside the windows. The waitress, dressed much like a Playboy bunny, brought my milk. I contemplated it, and then drank it down.

And confirmed that I didn’t like milk.

So there you have it. Apparently, from everything that I can see, the key to perfect teeth is to avoid drinking milk, avoid brushing and flossing, and just leave your teeth the hell alone.

Categories // All, Looking Back

A Letter to Her Son

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

From Adelle Hawkins
Handsaw, Texas

Dear Son,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. I read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles from home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send the new address though, because the family who lived here before took the house letters with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is nicer than the old place. There is a washing machine but I don’t know how to work it yet. I put some clothes in it and pulled the chain and haven’t seen the clothes since.

The weather isn’t so bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About the coat you wanted me to send you, Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your sister out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. They say the baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and then he drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for several days.

Three of your old friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down a window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, but they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news just now. Not much has happened.

Love, Mom

PS: I meant to send you $20 in this letter but I forgot and now I’ve already fastened up the envelope.

Categories // All, Looking Back

So Long — Harvey

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco, 1977: I was the only operator at Network Answering Service, and our hours were 6AM to Midnight, seven days a week.

I took the messages that came in for my clients, and then they called me to pick up those messages. It was natural that we got to talking. And quite a few of them were friends, out there in the world.

Hokum W. Jeebes, for example, juggled on the street and occasionally at the Bohemian Club. He knew Lennie Sloan, the dancer, who produced “Three Black and Three White New Minstrel Show.” Lennie knew Doug McKechnie, who once played Moog synthesizer number three. And Doug knew Harvey Warnke, a self-taught electronics whiz who built computer-controlled light shows.

So when someone mentioned the benefit for Doug McKechnie, to be held at the Intersection Coffee House, on Pacific above North Beach, somehow I got invited.

And I went.

The show was a blast, featuring a film Doug had done for NASA, with a far-out soundtrack. Hokum juggled, and Harvey was operating the lights. The others were my clients, but I was meeting Harvey for the first time.

And that reminded me of a project, so I made an appointment for Harvey to visit at the studio apartment where I answered the phones. I’d envisioned a gadget that would answer the phoneline and make a sparkling sound. Then, after a delay, it would connect through to me. This way, clients could set their call-forwarding easily but I’d not be burdened with taking those calls. I described it, and Harvey sat in my bentwood rocker, with his finger to his temple, nodding sagely. Yep, he said, he could do that.

We never did the project, but we did become friends. I learned that Harvey had no memory of anything in his life before the age of twelve. And as a teen out of high school, he’d taken a job at the planetarium, and learned to repair and modify the machines that moved the stars across the heavens.

From there, he’d learned to read data sheets. A data sheet is kind of like a cheat sheet for a computer chip. A data sheet will describe how many pins you’ll find around the edge of the chip, and if you put a signal on this one and that one then this other one will show a signal … or some other complicated arrangement. You don’t have to know what’s going on inside the chip. The chip is just a black box, and the data sheet tells you how to hook it up. Your computer is filled with such chips, and somewhere there is a data sheet for every one of them.

From reading data sheets, he learned how to control lights with relays and circuits, and that’s how he came to design the light shows for the loud-music clubs over on Haight Street. When I met him, he was casting about for new projects.

And about then he met Lin, a dancer and conceptual artist. I didn’t know what that meant, but when I visited their apartment I found photos of Lin dancing, except that there was no light except the blue laser that painted her body as she danced. Huh! So that was what a conceptual artist was, I thought.

I remember a photo, included with their wedding invitation. It showed the two of them, climbing on some rocks, and they looked so young, so alive, so happy.

By then, I’d found my Lori, and we were getting married too. I guess it was in the air or in the water.

Projects and dinners came and went. Harvey made frames for Lin’s canvasses for a show. The canvasses showed invisible women wearing bikinis in colorful beach settings, and the frames were made of plastic pipe. They were a creative couple, and so many nights, sharing dreams, laughing, roaring with enthusiasm, so fun!

Harvey and I exchanged a project. He designed the relays and sensors for my “Line Seizer” device for my answering service. In turn, I wrote the software that drove his “Counter Intelligence” device, which was a clever add-on for movie film editing machines. You just stuck a colored wheel on one of the shafts, and an infrared beam bounced off the wheel to a receiver, and the thing would calculate how many feet and frames of film had moved beneath the editing head. A great boon for the cutting room floor, I think. But the marketing didn’t work and that was the end of the company.

At that same time, Harvey and Lin were trying to purchase the condominium they occupied in North Beach, but it all bogged down, and they moved away from San Francisco, down to the Hollywood area, where Harvey worked for the movies. If you saw the movie “War Games”, in the final scene where the large screens in the war room are showing the missles, then you saw Harvey’s work. He made those big screens.

Somehow, Harvey and Lin came to a parting of the ways. I don’t know much about it, though there was much sturm und drang in the air. By then, they had a son, whom Harvey loved, a lot.

So the youngster spent years growing up, sometimes with Lin, and sometimes with Harvey. Harvey continued attempting to resurrect the Counter Intelligence device. Lin went on to expand her art, and I learned of her only now and then, in the newspapers.

Sometime after my own marriage was fried, Harvey told me about a woman named Beatrice. I met her and I liked her, and she had a young son who became a friend for Harvey’s son, growing up. Harvey’s business teetered and tottered, but then he contracted a heart ailment. He invited me to a dinner, and seated at the counter, awaiting a table, he told me what the doctor had said; it wasn’t good.

He was smoking a cigar. I asked if it was wise. He said that it wasn’t going to make any difference in this case. “I’ve learned that my life,” he said, “my life is going to be very different than I’d expected.”

In short, unless a heart donor appeared — and Harvey was very low on the list — then Harvey could expect his own heart to fail, utterly and soon. It was not cholesterol or any of that, but another malady entirely. His heart was enlarged, and weakening.

Harvey’s office was locked up for back rent, and all his circuit diagrams thrown away as trash. Harvey moved in with a friend, a fellow who does soundtracks for movies, and spent his last days living there. One day, visiting at Bee’s house while she was out of town, his heart stopped, and he was with us no more.

Bee called me, and told me about the service.

“God***m it!” I cried out.

The service was on a remote beach which was very difficult to find. The soundtrack wizard was there, and other folks I didn’t know. There was some sort of a service, and then a lady let loose a cage of doves.

With a rustle and soft explosion of wings they wheeled and rose. One made a beeline for the horizon, out beyond the point, with the ocean far below. The others circled upward and became orderly, wheeled and turned to the north, and flew out of sight beyond the woods.

In the far distance, I watched the lone dove flying until it became a dark point, and then vanished into the blue.

Categories // Looking Back

How to Speak Chinese

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Lyon Street, San Francisco, 1990: Adrienne worked at the Fine Art gallery in Sausality, driving the surveillance vehicle to and from work. That’s what we called the grey Nissan Sentra, because I’d bought it when I was Dr. Detecto, the private investigator.

But fact is, there is a limit to how long you can sit in a grey Nissan Sentra, just surveilling. My limit turned out to be about fifteen minutes.

That’s why Adrienne drove the surveillance vehicle to work in Sausalito. We still lived in the fourth-floor garrett at Lyon and Oak, perched high on the corner overlooking the Panhandle Park, originally named because it’s like a handle on the pan of Golden Gate park further up the street. Later the Bored of Supervisors changed its name from Panhandle Park to Panhandle Park. It’s the same name, sure, but now it’s named after the bums that hang out and pester you for spare change.

So, we lived there beneath the gabled roof, high above Panhandle Park.

THE BAY TO BREAKERS RACE

There was a Sunday morning, every year, when sleeping would become impossible, because as the sun was peeking through the high branches of the tree outside, we would hear, from the road below, a great murmur and clatter. Peering from our high windows, we’d see, spread out for blocks and blocks, the throng of runners in the Bay to Breakers race, as they ran in a chattering mob along the street and through our Panhandle Park.

It was very satisfying to make the coffee, staring bleary-eyed down through the branches, watching the runners and thinking how nice it was to not be among them.

Also entertaining were their bizarre costumes. Runners dressed as hot dogs or streetcars, and sometimes they were nude, except for the running shoes, of course. It must have really hurt, pinning the cloth number on, without a shirt.

And this morning, after the coffee had sped me up, I remembered that I’d promised to help Adrienne with the Chinese art dealer.

STANLEY HO, THE CHINESE ART DEALER

She had this customer in Hong Kong. It never seemed clear whether he was a collector, or an art dealer himself. His name was Stanley Ho.

As you know, China is on the other side of the planet. As we all learn when we are children, if you dig down through the earth you will pop out in China, where everybody is walking upside down. They must be upside down because anyone can see that we are right-side up.

Not only are they upside down, but they are sleeping in the middle of the day, and they are running around all during the night. Our day, and our night, I mean.

Now Adrienne was very happy about Mr. Stanley Ho, because now and then he called up the Fine Art gallery, and he would buy Erte sculptures. If you have been so fortunate as to have missed Erte sculptures, let me tell you that they are little statues about a foot tall, depicting mostly women in 1920’s or Art Deco garb, looking totally thin and blase from a long time ago.

Plus, they’re really, really expensive.

So it was just swell whenever Stanley Ho would call up the gallery and buy an Erte sculpture from Adrienne. There is apparently no end to the Erte sculptures. Like Barbie dolls or the science-fiction novels of L. Ron Hubbard, mere death of the artist seems not to slow production at all!

THE PROBLEM

However, the problem was that Adrienne was supposed to telephone Stanley Ho. She had agreed to call Stanley Ho. She had attempted to call Stanley Ho. She had several times risen in the wee hours of night, so as to catch the daylight hours in China.

And each time, Chinese secretaries answered. They would mutter in sing-song Chinese, or in garbled English. But regardless of the conversation, never, never, never would they put Adrienne through to Stanley Ho. Never, never, never.

Adrienne had promised to call. She’d tried to call, over and over again. But she couldn’t get past the incomprehensible secretaries. It was like an impenetrable wall of singsong. Adrienne told me about this at great length, and last night I’d promised to help her.

And this morning, as coffee fumes cleared my brain, I realized it was time to strike, now!, before the Stanley Ho business office closed for the day!

And so I dialed the number in Hong Kong.

It rang.

It rang some more.

A diminutive female voice answered with some Chinese gobbly-gook. I interrupted her.

“Stanley Ho!” I said sternly. She chittered at me. I spoke louder.

“Stanley HO!” I said. She began talking again.

“Stanley HO!” I yelled furiously.

“One moment,” she said.

There was a pause. I motioned Adrienne over. I handed her the phone as a male voice said, “This is Stanley Ho, may I help you?”

Categories // All, family, Looking Back, manifestation, Problems

Hooting and Honking and Wailing

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Mount Shasta, 9 June 2004: At the end of the warmer days, as the house cools from the open windows, you can hear them more clearly.

The trains pass by on some schedule all their own, and as I drowse or sleepily read by the single light beside my bed, at first on the edge of hearing a vague rumble comes. This grows, into the churning sound of diesel growl, metal wheels ringing on the rails, and a thousand clacks like monstrous and rhythmic insects.

All Aboard?

Then comes the wail. And again. Growing louder and louder, and again, and then so close you could touch it, it begins to grow faint, and changes in subtle timbre, and then fades away as it came.

Strange. It would seem I’d hear the same wail night after night. They must use the same great engines. Wouldn’t the train’s whistle sound the same?

But no. As the train blows its whistle — to warn the cars ahead in the crossings — it seems that every train’s voice is different. Some moan. Some shriek. Some beep long and hollow. Others wail.

An infinitude of voices, each one alone, shrieking in the night. A warning, jarring and sweet, above the roar of life, and then fading away.

Categories // Looking Back

Tulip’s Yard

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Marin Humane Society, September 1993: It happened right after Adrienne’s daughter Celina got shot.

When Celina had married Ray, they had a child named Jessica, and when Jessica was about three, Celina and Ray called it quits, and Celina married a bum.

The bum didn’t treat Jessica very well, but one day he gave Celina and Jessica tickets to go to a spa to the north, a day-trip. How nice.

Except that when they returned, he’d moved away, taking all the furniture, leaving bare walls.

Celina got the cops involved, excellent high drama there, and one of them found an apartment for her and her child, and that’s how she and Jessica came to be living in the apartment that day, when Celina drove down to the store.

She was wearing my motorcycle jacket. I’d grown too fat to wear it, and Adrienne gave it to Celina, who liked it a lot, as had I. It turned out to be a good thing she was wearing my tough leather jacket that day.

For as her car stopped at a light, a hoodlum came up with a .22 pistol, and attempted to shoot her in the head. Yelling in fury at the guy, she threw her arm up, and the firing bullet went into the jacket, slowed and turned, nicked her arm, and spared her head. The hoodlum ran. They caught him later and sent him off to prison. Who knows what it was really about?

As it happened, Adrienne and her other daughter, Layla, had just visited the Marin Humane Society. They wandered through the kennels, and the cacophony of leaping, barking dogs, and then they spied the black and white border collie, an adolescent with big feet, sitting, leaning up against the wall, and with rolled eyes, looking up at Adrienne.

Adrienne fell in love, just like that.

She and Layla were living in Berkeley. They weren’t Marin residents, and learned to their dismay that they couldn’t adopt Tulip. And Tulip was only one day away from the gas chamber.

I was a Marin resident. I living with Stan the Snake in Mill Valley. The phone call sounded pretty urgent. I needs must go at once and immediately to the Marin Humane and adopt Tulip.

So I did.

She was one very bouncy dog. Border Collies are fast, intelligent, playful, and full of energy. Tulip bounced off the walls, overflowing with zest and high spirits. I wondered if Adrienne knew what she was getting into. The Humanes helped corral Ms. Tulip into a large crate, and my Ford van was just the ticket, driving back to Mill Valley. Great Success!

Adrienne sighed with relief on the phone, and came immediately, where she and Tulip met again with great rejoicing and bouncing, and then they drove away. On her way home, Adrienne dropped by to see Celina, recuperating in the new apartment.

Tulip was crazy for Celina and Jessica, too. And ever since, when Celina comes to visit, Tulip goes bananas with joy. The first people she knew, on leaving her vagabond existance, were Adrienne and Layla and me and Celina and Jessica. We’ve been her pack ever since.

Tulip used to come visit me at Stan the Snake’s. She went with me to the high-school track up the street, where we ran around and around. I brought a chewy rope and she’d grab it and try to stop me running. Hah! No way, doggie! There were balls to throw and fetch and grass to romp, and running and running and running. I found it work; she seemed to fly just for the fun of it.

Adrienne reports that she hadn’t known what she was getting into. Tulip’s puppy energy was boundless; three times daily Adrienne took her to Point Isabel to run alongside the bay. Adrienne took her to work; Tulip tried to herd people walking the sidewalks. Adrienne brought home supermarket boxes; Tulip shredded cardboard throughout the house. Tulip chewed the wiring off the car radio. I replaced the radio as a birthday gift; the new wiring lasted two days. Tulip ran, played ball, barked, and pranced. The Chinese landlord said, “Dog mus go!” Adrienne and Layla moved next door, where the landlord was Danish.

Adrienne and I drifted apart for a while, and I didn’t see Tulip much. Then later we found one another again, and before long Adrienne invited me to leave my rustic trailer park, to come and live in San Anselmo. I did, and there was Tulip. Tulip thought it was just great. It was just swell.

Our pack lived there for years. How the years melt away! I took Tulip to the ball field near my office. Using a gadget, I could throw the ball far, far away. She’d gallop and fetch it and come happily back for another go. But I noticed, now, at age seven, she didn’t have the same eternal energy. After a while, she flopped onto the cool grass, and rested. Then we went home.

A couple of years ago, Tulip displayed a mysterious discomfort. Her neck was stiff, and sometimes she slipped. Arthritus, said the vet. Now she was nine. Slowly, she was growing old, as we watched. Still playful, and sometimes playing jokes on Adrienne and me, smiling often, but now for the first time she napped during the day.

In San Anselmo we had no yard for Tulip.

She was too prone to go a-sniffing so we couldn’t let her run loose, and besides, that’s how dogs get killed by cars. On the front lawn, on a long tie-out cable, she’d lie like the sphinx, with our cat Percy lined up alongside her, and together they’d watch the traffic passing by.

Of course, people who came walking with dogs got an earful as she lunged and snarled at these evil dogs who were attempting to walk upon our grass. People sometimes complained, and I thought it excessive, but Adrienne said, “It’s her lawn. They don’t have to walk here.”

OK, then.

Adrienne dreamed of a fenced-in yard for Tulip.

For five years, Adrienne and I had scouted for a place to move. We’d visited Nevada, Washington, Idaho, Montana, and British Columbia. Some places might do, but we’d spent five years looking, and we hadn’t settled on a place yet.

I began to feel haunted by a disturbing thought. I wanted to get a yard for Tulip. But what if Tulip grew old, and died, and never had a yard? What if, good-hearted and loving creature that she was, she never had a yard of her own, because we took too long. She wouldn’t know she’d missed out. But I would know. And it troubled me, for in my mind’s eye I saw it happening that way, and it felt sad as whispers fading.

Adrienne didn’t believe me when I said we were moving.

I said the Spring; she didn’t believe me. Spring came and waned, and I wrapped up telephone lines and divested myself of equipment rooms in San Jose, Sonoma county, and Tiburon. I prepared to move. I was nearly ready, but Adrienne didn’t believe me. Then, in the Summer, we visited Mount Shasta, in the Northern California mountains, and we said, “That’s it.”

I told Adrienne that I’d need a couple of months to move. She didn’t believe me. But I packed the trucks and moved us, and there she was. With Tulip, and Percy our cat, in Mount Shasta on September the first, this last year.

As we got out of the car, Tulip pranced like a youngster, and sniffed at the fence. We went in through the gate, into our fenced-in yard. Inside the tall board fence, an apple tree, a pear tree, a holly tree, and deep green grass.

“Look around,” Adrienne told Tulip, “This is your yard.”

Tulip sniffed. Tulip investigated. Tulip rolled on her back in the fresh grass, kicking her feet.

I think she likes it.

<

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