The Adventures of Bloggard

Been Around the Block. Got Some Stories. These are Them.

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At 3304 Geary Boulevard

03.13.2011 by bloggard // 4 Comments

San Francisco, 1980: We’d outgrown my studio apartment on Third Avenue. Network Answering Service, the operators who answered the phones, the Thumbtack Bugle, plus the bookkeeper, and me. Time to move.

I searched Arguello. I searched Clement, and Balboa. I searched California Street. I found a second-story flat on Geary Boulevard, on the corner of Parker across from the Post Office. I walked the wooden floors in the empty rooms; it was a vast space, cheery with sunlight, and smelling of new varnish.

On the street below, the phone company was digging up the concrete in the middle of the street, so they could run our phonelines. I watched through the sunny windows. Never before had anybody dug up a street for me. This must be the big time!

For three weeks straight, I built shelving and set up our new workspace. Rosie the Cat kept me company. I got new lamps and large plants.

London, Paris, Tokyo.

In the foyer at the top of the stairs, I installed four KitKat clocks, with wagging eyes and tails. On the wall, all in a row, I had three black ones, with signs saying London, Paris, Tokyo. Then a pink one with rhinestones labeled San Francisco. Oh, we had arrived.

As it turned out, the foyer lacked light for the plants, and the operators wore out my rugs. The KitKat clocks gave out over time, and heating was a problem, as the thermostat was in one room and the heater in another; adjustment was, to say the least, tricky. Operators solved it by running the heater at full blast, while opening windows to let in the cool air. In this way they made themselves comfortable.

I explained that we would not be able to heat up Geary Boulevard. This made no impression.

I tore up some twenty dollar bills and tossed the pieces out the window, just as an example. That made an impression, of a sort, but little difference.

The cats, Rosie and Cosmo, liked the new digs.Then operator Anita found Morgan, just a tiny kitten abandoned in a paper bag, to join our crew. At first I lived in the large, dark-paneled room at the rear. There it was that I asked Lori to marry me. She said yes, we got married, we moved to an apartment at the corner of Carl and Cole streets.

I set up a development lab, and began designing the Line Seizer, an electronic device that talked with the telephone company’s central office as they sent calls to our answering service, identifying for our operators which client’s phone was ringing in to us. I took to wearing overalls like I’d seen real computer guys do.

There were excitements and triumphs, troubles and despairs, dramas and traumas. The actors came and went. Along the way, Lori and I estranged ourselves, and she ran the answering service while I took a job which carried me to Newport Beach, then Texas, then back to San Francisco, where we then sold the answering service. A manager was found for the voicemail business, I became a private investigator. Rooms were rented out.

One day, a notice from the city. Zoning problem. Time to move.

On the last day, walking around the wooden floors in empty rooms, I remembered that first day so many years earlier. The empty rooms now seemed worn and friendly. We’d traveled together; we hated to part.

Categories // adventure, All, bidness, Looking Back, making changes, network answering service

The Men in the Rocket Ship

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

San Francisco, 1984: Back in Henrietta, Texas, the Edmonds Public Library was calm, quiet, and cool in the summer. The children’s section and the Science Fiction section had that same smell as a grade school, a scent of varnish and puppies.

I got to know those books very well. Books about secret codes, books about the Hardy Boys, and books about Rocket Ships. Those were favorites. Even today, checking the news online, whenever a new photograph appears — Jupiter, a comet, the Crab Nebula — it’s astounding, like deja vu of something never seen.

In college, I was complaining to Crazy Becky Jarvis one day, about my sorry love life. She tilted her head to one side.

“I bet you’d like Patty L.,” she said.

And I did.

A small woman, with that hair that moves all together, she wore a plaid skirt, a white blouse, and tall boots. In those days of beehive hairdos, she was a welcome relief. An infectious smile, mischievous nature, and a cozy attitude.

On a certain day, I was to pick her up from visiting her parents in Dallas. As it turned out, I was early, and, having nothing much to say to them — or perhaps, they having very little to say to me — they invited me to watch the television, where I saw Star Trek for the first time.

I no longer recall the plot, probably it was about a terrible monster.

We left, and drove the Morgan back to Denton with the top down, always fun, but I was thinking about the guys in the Rocket Ship. And now, we’ll leave Pretty Patty and move forward to San Francisco, many years after.

In San Francisco, Star Trek is still on television, but as it begins to wind down, they begin making movies. And one of these was playing on Van Ness, so Derek S. and I went.

This particular Star Trek movie, however, had them coming back in time to San Francisco, where we are watching the movie. With their space ship in high orbit, they have beamed down, and now these men from the future are walking around the Marina Green. Now they’re downtown. And now they are walking on Van Ness.

And now they are standing at the bus stop outside the theatre where Derek and I are watching them standing at the bus stop outside the theatre where we are watching them.

Yes, that’s right, these people from my past, who are from the future, at a later time in the future have come back to a time later than my past, which is in fact now, and are now standing just outside the theatre where we are watching them from inside the theatre.

The movie wasn’t great.

The mental meltdown was superb.

Does God make up these practical jokes? Or do they just happen?

Categories // adventure, All, amazement, fantasy, Looking Back, mind

God Save the Queen

03.13.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Henrietta, Texas. June 2, 1953. I was nine, and Ricky Moyer’s grandmother had a television set. Free of school, with my mother I visited evenings, where in their den, with every lamp turned off — that’s how one watched movies, you see — we all watched Charlie Chan.

But on this day, a scorching summer afternoon of 106 degrees, we sheltered in his Grandmother’s air-conditioning, and on the television that day, we watched people on the other side of the world. A young woman named Elizabeth was being crowned Queen of England in a place called Westminster Abbey.

We watched the black & white procession. We watched the crown placed upon her head. That same day, we learned that a man named Edmund Hillary had climbed Mount Everest, even further away from our hot summer afternoon in north Texas, where farmers and cowboys could gaze upon the Queen.

Categories // All, Looking Back, Views

The Canyon

03.13.2011 by bloggard // 1 Comment

Henrietta, Texas, 1952-1957: To the northwest of town, the homes came to a sudden stop, at the Canyon. We boys called it the Canyon, but our town being built on Texas rolling hills, it wasn’t exceptionally magnificent. Except to us, of course.

A stream or creek emerged from the rock, and fell twenty feet into a small pool, in which lived a legendary large fish. From the pool, when there was rain, the outbound creek trickled and cut through a wide and expanding sandy basin.

To either side, the long arms of rocky shelf stretched, reaching down to meet the plain, and beyond, a hazard of tumbled woods, open plains, and a great and empty distance.

For us boys, this was Heaven.

For one thing, no grown-ups. For another, the mind could range free, because a quarter-hour hike took you beyond civilization. That is, beyond houses, roads, telephone poles. It was wild country, and roaming free in the Canyon, we were wild creatures.

With my gang of friends, on a long Saturday hike, eventually we became lost. We’d found some burrows near the bank of a winding stream. We’d crawled into these burrows, and back out again. We’d followed a blue racer, a dark-colored snake capable of great speed upon the grasslands. It ran from us and finally glided up into an ancient mesquite tree.

We’d walked through a wood, never seen before or since. When the sun was high overhead, we became disoriented. Opinion differed as to the correct direction. Just like in the horror movies, where the incredibly stupid people decide to split up, we decided to split up.

The reason being that three of us believed that town lay over that way, and the other four were pretty sure that the town lay over in this other direction. As it turned out, both groups made their way back to town. This was just perfect for a Saturday adventure for us boys. We felt like mighty woodsmen.

In early teen years, Bobby M. and I used to head out to the Canyon after school. We were learning to smoke cigarettes. It takes a certain amount of practice. We got pretty good at it.

Then things changed. In Texas, you can get a driver’s license at age 14 1/2, if you take Driver’s Ed. That summer following, Driver’s Ed was a popular class. Most of the mighty woodmen were there, going to school in the summer, because automobiles beckoned.

With licenses, we began importuning parents to drive the family car. Some earned and bought their own. With my parents help, I managed a green 1951 Chevrolet which my mom had traded on a Chrysler. I was very proud of this green car, and managed to get into a wreck soon after, the repairs of which gave me an outstanding two-toned color scheme.

The canyon? Forgotten. Abandoned. In all these years following, I’ve never been back, and I’ll wager the others haven’t either.

But don’t feel bad for the Canyon. All of us had younger brothers. Some of those had brothers younger still. And now, many of the mighty woodmen have sons, and these now grown up with boys of their own. No, the Canyon isn’t lonely.

You can trust boys. They will find the Canyon.

Categories // adventure, All, friends, Looking Back

The Cyberworld is Taking Over my Life!

03.12.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Yow!

Help, help! Since engaging in this project to offer webservices on a dedicated server, I find that, every day, hours and hours get eaten up by the project, because …

Every morning, it seems, there is some new security issue. Some program has been found faulty, and needs to be upgraded. Some new bit of tweaking must be done to a firewall. Several forums have to be scanned for new problems on the network. On and on and on.

Nextly, my research into blogs has made me realize that the word ‘blog’ is not short for ‘weblog’ as some people claim. No, it is just a variation of ‘The Blob’, which you will recall is a movie from a couple of years ago about this huge and amorphous *thing* that appeared from nowhere and swallowed up everything in its path.

There is no stopping the blob! There is no stopping the blog!

Do you realize that all of the future of mankind is being poured into an expanding university of online journals? Imagine it as a single book, and with every page you turn, dozens of new pages spring up, each leading from the page you are just approaching.

As you reach for each new page, its progeny are expanding infinitely away from your grasp, receding into the future, away from you. Don’t bother pursuing, not with any hope of arrival. It’s as useless as the chapter in ‘Alice’ where she discovers that the faster she runs, the more she falls behind.

Twas brillig …

Categories // All

Paul’s Sweethearts

03.12.2011 by bloggard // 18 Comments

Henrietta, Texas: In our town, perhaps the grandest house belonged to Paul Hawkins, where he lived with his wife and three pretty daughters: Paula, Shara, and Kay.

The house was grand because Paul was the town’s Undertaker.

Much of that grand house was for storing bodies, preparing bodies, and holding services for bodies. At my grandmother’s service, my stern-faced grandfather broke down. “Maud! Maud!” He called her name over and over, reaching out for her. It was wrenching, having to draw him away. His mind had been addled by a fall from the horse; that was a part of her death, but that’s another story.

With compassion and with grace, Paul Hawkins dealt with such things. A thin, hyper-active fellow, he’d also turned the extensive once-stables behind the house into a shop, and restored antique furniture. I don’t think he needed the money; I think he needed to always stay busy.

And so, his entry in the Pioneer Reunion …

The Pioneer Reunion, in October, that’s rodeo season in Texas, and the biggest event in Henrietta. We schoolkids loved it, already chafing from the schooldays. A parade every day, rodeo every night, dances afterward, and during the days, free barbeque, art shows, and fiddling contests on the courthouse lawn.

On the first day, the parade is just the ‘Horse Parade’. That is, the parade consists of different groups of ‘riding clubs’, riding through our town’s streets, on horses. Who are these riding clubs? Why did they have a club to ride horses?

I wish I’d thought to ask these questions then, long ago. But then, the fish probably never thinks to question the water.

The horse parade always left horse poop on the street, which gave the marching bands something to consider on the next morning. Usually our own high-school band and two or three others from neighboring townships, plus officials waving from cars from the dealership, and … floats!

The floats are a big competition. For about three weeks before the event, volunteers from civic groups build frameworks around jeeps, then put in flooring, then cover the whole thing in crepe paper. Add children or girls in costumes, bingo bango bongo, a float!

Paul Hawkins was Henrietta’s foremost float-builder. He always offered space and shop tools for some float, I think maybe Kiwanis Club, but he also built his own, invariably named Paul’s Sweethearts, and upon this float rode the three daughters Paula, Shara, and Kay, waving like queens.

“You’ll never notice fringe on the saddle of a galloping horse.”

Paul Hawkins had design theories. Some worker worries about there being too-little crepe-paper fringe. Paul shakes his head, saying, “You’ll never notice fringe on the saddle of a galloping horse.” Meaning not to worry, it needn’t look perfect. I wonder, now I think about it, about how he prepared the bodies for the open-casket ceremonies.

Except when professionally grave, so to speak, he was always jovial. Always a smile, always sharp-witted, often joking and joshing, and good friends with most everybody. Maybe he had to be. But even so, it amazed me then and now that everybody liked Paul Hawkins. He was especially great pals with our dentist, and my uncle, the long-time town doctor.

Doctor Hurn, my uncle was called. As a child I never called him “Uncle Robert.” Nor did any of my cousins. Growing up, we knew him as Uncle Doc.

Uncle Doc and Paul Hawkins were great friends. Maybe they worked on floats together. Maybe it was from being in the Minstral Show all those years. Maybe it was from Uncle Doc passing off former clients to become Paul’s new clients.

So when Paul needed some serious surgery, he asked Uncle Doc to do it. Uncle Doc hesitantly agreed. And then, on the day of the surgery, as they wheeled Paul in a wheelchair down the hall, to show his appreciation, as they neared the surgery door he started yelling — so that everybody in the hospital could hear — yelling at my Uncle Doc.

“I’ve changed my mind!” yelled Paul. “I’m not going! Don’t wheel me in there! You’ll kill me!”

He paused, and then, with an evil grin, as they wheeled him through the doorway, he called out once again.

“Our partnership is off! You hear me? Our partnership is off!”

Categories // All

Moving Phone Lines

03.12.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

Come to find out, there’s a better way to set up voicemail lines than what I’ve been using for the last fourteen years.

I don’t know if this always existed, or has just emerged from some new technological marvel. But it’s here now, so I’m changing.

One day at a parade, Layla’s Greg told me about this. Following up promptly a year later, I discover that my cost immediately drops in half, and by chance the cabinet is free.

But that’s not all …

In addition, through some magic they can give me local numbers from Santa Rosa to Santa Cruz, coming into the same machine. I can even bring in numbers from Seattle or Atlanta or Chicago. I don’t know how they do that.

Lunch last week in SF’s SOMA with Jon E. Got paperwork. Got homework. Completing arrangements next week. It will be Full Moon and May Day. What you make of that, kemo sabe?

Categories // All

Law 23 regarding the Senior Solution to the Problem of Work

03.12.2011 by bloggard // Leave a Comment

For most of us, the thing we’ll do most in our adult lifetime is to work. It’s part of the deal about being alive: it is incumbent upon you to obtain what you need.

A few get lucky: Born rich, inheritance, trust funds. Some are smart early: Wise choice of occupation, diligently applied, with talent, and retire early [*1]. Some become thieves: Living off mommy, divorce settlements, sponging off friends, scam artists.

For most of us, work is the lifelong price for existance. That being the case, there is a wise way to handle it …

:::::>Find something you enjoy doing, then figure a way to get people to pay you for doing just that thing.

Do this: Find something you enjoy doing, then figure a way to get people to pay you for doing just that thing.

Is this a better solution than being lucky, or smart early? Probably not. Is this a better solution than ripping somebody off? Sure, you still get what you want, and you feel good about it.

So if you’re going to need to work, this is the way to do it. This way you’ll earn your living, and you’ll be doing what you like to do. Humans are generally happy when pursuing a target; the mind is just made that way[*2]. Let it function as designed, and it is happy[*3]. You’ll be happy, too.

How do you find something you enjoy doing? Well, now, that’s another story[*4].

(Learn more: [*1] The Millionaire Next Door, [*2] Psychocybernetics , [*3] LogoTherapy, [*4] What Color is Your Parachute?)

Categories // All

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