San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the good-time telepathic answering service that can get you fixed up!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, sometimes I think you humans do things the hard way.

“For example, on Saturday nights I work a lot in a bar off Union Street. When people start to run low I carry the message to Joe the Bartender. You may know the place. Joe always hands you a fresh one about the time you start to think about it.

“Anyway, there’s a woman in gold lame, slit skirt, and pearls down to here, she asks me:

“Ruru,” (she asks), “That guy across the way, been looking at me all night, I wonder if he really likes me?”

“I said I’d find out.

“After I spent a few seconds in his mind, I was kind of liking her looks myself! So I went back and said–

“He’d sure like to find out if he likes you!

“She said to ask him to come sit over here. So I did.

“And she sez ask him to buy me a drink. So I did, and he did.

“She sez ask him to put his arm around me. So I did, and he did. And then she starts to ask me …

“And right there I put my foot down.

“Hell, lady. He’s sitting right beside you. He looks friendly. Ask him yourself!”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, your absolutely free telepathic answering service — at no charge whatsoever!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, some people just can’t believe that we’re providing free telepathic answering service. In fact the other day me and my buddy, Babba Jamas, was coming back from the little Himalaya Convenience Store up the gulch, and one of the Sherpas that was helping us hold the rope, he asked:

“Ruru, you know when you’re dreaming?

“Well, yes, not that I ever sleep personally, but yes.

“Well, (he went on), You know how you’ll be dreaming and when you wake up sometimes you can’t remember the dreams?

“Well, of course everybody’s had that experience.

“Well, Ruru, (he went on), Where do all those dreams go? I mean, do you suppose those dreams are taken as payment for all the things that are supposed to be free, like love and sex and Third Ear Answering Service?

“Well, I never! I was speechless! I was flabbergasted! Who ever heard of such a thing!

“No messages today.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the modern telepathic answering service that can help you move your merchandise!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Several people telepathed in last week wanting to know can we sell cars …

“Well, we can’t exactly sell them, but we sure can tell your friends and neighbors about em! So here goes —

“1973 Edsel, lo mileage, one owner, sky blue, $525 or best offer.

“We also got a Corvair, rebuilt engine, velcro upholstery, wire wheels. Make an offer.

“Last, here’s a modified ’57 Fairlane, Mack diesel engine, complete with bronzed baby shoes and foxtail. $1500 firm. Man, that does sound sharp!

“You want em? Just let me know.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the round-the-clock telepathic answering service!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“Hold it! Hold the phone! I’m getting a telepathic message at this very minute!

“Uh … Uh … it was for me.

“The question was- Ruru, are you the only one that works at Third Ear?

“Well, yes. Yes, I am.

“But you got to realize, the Himalaya Hideaway here exists primarily in the Astral Plane, where as you all know, time flows funny.

“The result is that we can serve you round the clock with telepathic answering service, using no additional staff!

“And you know what? No time, no overtime!

“No overtime, no benefits!

“So who benefits?

“You do!”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, your personal telepathic message center, it’ll tweak your head!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know the other day I was delivering a telepathic message to a Muni bus driver on the 22 Fillmore. It was from his girlfriend, and she said …

“Bill, honey, can we still be friends?

“I tell you, that bus about flattened a corvair, a monza, and two old ladies walking dogs. Big tears begin to run down the driver’s nose into the control panel and the destination sign began to spin around. You couldn’t tell where that bus was going to go!

“The driver heaved a big sigh and said,

“Ruru, do you do personals?

“Well sure we do, Bill! So here goes:

“Handsome transportation worker, 5’10”, 225#, seeks fare, lady. Ask for Bill, 22 Fillmore.

“There, now! Ain’t love grand?”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s only international telepathic answering service, translations at no extra charge!

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, several people have telathed in recently, asking can we deliver telepathic messages in Spanish.

“Well, sure we can!

“Since it’s a telepathic answering service you just think the message — any old language you like! — and we’ll deliver it anywhere in the world!

“Now here’s a little test. Just watch this …

“Here’s a message for you from a foreign country:

“(they said) Just called to say hello.”

“That message was left for you in Spanish. Now I ask you, what could be simpler than that?”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s fastest telepathic answering service. It takes most no time at all to send your messages to everybody … well, just about everybody.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“And now for the news …”

“The President telepathed to ask you some questions about pressing international matters. He sez he’ll check back later.

“Your mama wants you to pick up some Handy Andy and Wonderbread at the store.

“Your dentist wanted to remind you don’t forget to floss.

“And last, your downstairs neighbor sez any more ruckus and he’s calling the cops.

“And that’s your telepathic messages for today.”

San Francisco Yellow Pages, 1986: In the Yellow Pages that year you’d find listed “Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service” at 221-3333. If you called it you might hear this —

“Hello and thank you for calling Third Ear Telepathic Answering Service, the world’s most reliable telepathic answering service.

“I am your Host and Operator Ruru the Guru, speaking to you direct from the Himalaya Hideaway.

“You know, just yesterday three different people telepathed me up with basically the same question …

“Ruru (they asked), last Sunday I left a message with you for, oh, Uncle Joe or Aunt Mabel, and Ruru … they didn’t get my message. Were you asleep, or drunk, or what?

“Now I’m not angry or anything but I’d like to take just a minute to address that issue. First of all, me and the Himalaya Hideaway exist primarily in the astral plane, so we don’t sleep at all. That’s how we’re able to offer 24-hour service with no additional staff.

“And secondly I don’t want to say anything bad about Uncle Joe, but you got to realize something about telepathy. Lots of times you leave a message and I carry it over and put it in someone’s head for you. … But sometimes they don’t get that message.

“You know why?

“(I’m surprised you haven’t thought of this yourself.)

“The answer’s simple …

“They wasn’t nobody home.”